"First Comes Love..."

Is the timing right? Should I be saying “I love you”? Should I be having sex? Should we be more than sex?

There seems to be some kind of “map” of the path relationships are supposed to take in society. It’s perpetuated throughout movies, art, and children’s storybooks. You have the perfect meet-cute, go on some dates, become exclusive, and fall in love. Marriage follows or the relationship collapses. We’re taught from a young age to follow this map in order to be happy, but in reality, it’s all synthetically generated. It places pressure on the relationship by setting a ticking clock on the time-frame they should follow. Any deviation from the norm is met with confusion and assumed failure.

Walking into a relationship, it’s important to know that one doesn’t have to know exactly when things will happen. It can cause overthinking and forceful communication between partners. Most of these expectations aren’t just when to have sex or say I love you, but they also control the simple things like holding hands and meeting the parents. 

 “We are social beings and we care a lot about our close relationships which is why we have high expectations for the things we love,” said Lindsey Beck, an Emerson professor and social psychologist who focuses on human relationships. 

“I think people are likely to feel pressured in areas that are personally important to them and/or to their broader society and culture,” Beck added. “These areas might include timing related to being sexually intimate with their partner, moving in together, getting engaging, getting married, or starting a family.”

“Timelines in relationships are always something I have been aware of because they're seemingly everywhere,” said Grace Griffin, a ‘20 IDIP major. “I've seen countless articles, tweets, and advice columns that weigh in on the right time to have sex with someone, the right time to move in with a partner, the right time to define the relationship, etc. It's societally inescapable, so I understand how it can put pressure on people.”

While adding one-night-stands to her sexual experience, Griffin also admits to waiting over a month into a relationship to have sex. “It’s so dependent on what both people want at the time and so many other personal external factors that influence a partnership,” she added. “Relationship timelines are honestly damaging to promote because they try to establish a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ time to do things when human connection is never that cut and dry.”

Flash forward to my own experience, there wasn’t a single thorough thought going through my mind the moment I said “I love you” for the first time. Not even a month had gone by before it slipped out of his mouth. And even though I felt the same, I hesitated because societal norms said it was too soon.  The thought of everyone reminding me to wait wouldn’t leave my mind. If you were to tell any friend around you that you said “I love you” to your partner before the first month was up, you would most likely get judged for it. Society forced societal deadlines on us, blocking our ability to think and act under our own circumstances. 

Photographed by Emily King
Art by Yelizaveta Rogulina

Anna Phillips, a ‘23 WLP major said that “It should be across the board to respect others’ decisions when it comes to their relationships and how they want to express their affection to their partner.”

So, when is the right time to say “I love you”? 

The truth is, there is no answer. Whether it’s on the first date, first month, or first year, there is no benchmark. Whether it’s holding hands, having sex, or introducing your loved one to your parents, there is no pressure. You’re on time because only you can determine when your right time is. Being in a relationship shouldn’t feel like you're running on a stopwatch.