Once a Cheater, Always?
Once a Cheater, Always?
Written by Heather Thorn
art by lucy latorre
Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn’t keep her…Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater… You know the story, even when it’s embellished: It starts with two people in love and ends in disaster, like some good things do, often leaving one person heartbroken and the other responsible.
Somewhere between heartbreak and questionable crushes, self-preservation kicks in, revving its engine in a desperate attempt to save you from devastation again and again for the rest of your life. Repeated and seemingly unstoppable relationship patterns in media (such as Nick Dunne’s affair with his student leading to Amy’s disastrous disappearance in Gone Girl, the multiple infidelities in Yellowjackets, and Ross and Rachel’s on-and-off relationship in Friends) often perpetuate the idea that behavior cycles are never-ending. In short, it’s not just Peter who eats pumpkins; cheating happens all the time. There’s a reason why Ross and Rachel’s “We were on a break” argument is so infamous: People can’t seem to agree when it comes to cheating and all of its byproducts—mistrust, tension, and dirty laundry that will never be clean.
How much weight does the phrase “Once a cheater, always a cheater” really hold? In February of 2024, I asked 18 Emerson College students if they believed the statement wholeheartedly. 47% of the answers were “Yes,” while the other 53% of participants said they “don’t believe a cheater will always be a cheater.”
The question is how to avoid these relationship patterns…but are they even preventable?
Pumpkin-eating Peter teaches a lesson to all: Give in to outside desires and expect to lose everything you once had. People cheat for a multitude of reasons: to fulfill unmet needs, satisfy themselves outside of their relationship, feel appreciated, get revenge on their partner, a fear of commitment or unresolved childhood trauma, or prior exposure to cheating in their family. However, considering these factors is much different than accepting them at face value. While these desires or external factors should be addressed, the reason a cheater musters up is ultimately irrelevant. Let’s be clear: There’s no excuse for cheating. But it can be helpful to understand that there are many factors leading up to an extramarital kiss or even a secret mistress or two.
Like a bell that’s been rung, one can’t undo the act of cheating. Although it can be apologized and repented for, cheating can never be undone. Atonement is the first stage of healing following the unfaithful occurrence and offers the betrayer the opportunity to be honest and transparent and express remorse for their affair. While the cheater can try to atone, the decision to reconcile the relationship is nevertheless made by the betrayed partner only. The resultant mistrust between partners requires extensive effort and repair, involving rebuilding trust, processing emotions and betrayal, prioritizing communication, and, ultimately, deciding if the relationship can continue. Emotional scars from cheating occur regardless of whether it was a one-off occurrence or continues as a pattern.
The cheater can avoid repeating this action, but they did cheat, and still carry with them the ability to hurt a loved one. Cheating even once can be enough to earn the title of being “a cheater,” because the act completely changes the way people perceive them.
People are creatures of habit; the best predictor of the future is the past. Repetitive behaviors indicate a deeper problem such as a lack of impulse control, the need for external validation, a fear of commitment, or compulsive and self-destructive behavior.
Rules, especially concerning relationships, aren’t strictly black and white. Bel Attenberg, Emerson Class of ’27, said, “Once a cheater, always morally corrupt.” But, they added, there’s an undeniable gray area: “Cheaters can be capable of changing.”
Black and white rules such as “Once a cheater, always a cheater” help us feel safer due to the boxes they put people in. The belief in these rules, however, stems from the fear of betrayal and uncertainty in relationships. that anyone is capable of cheating. The phrase is not an absolute truth, and is especially limiting because of how it overlooks people’s capability to change.
“Once a cheater always a cheater” is not an absolute truth. A cheater’s ability to change their behavior depends on the person. While personality traits such as impulse control (or a lack thereof) and selfishness play a role in creating patterns, they don’t entirely dictate someone’s behavior. Cheating may not stem from a person’s character. Oftentimes infidelity stems from specific circumstances such as immaturity, relationship issues, or personal problems that cause someone to seek outside affection. A cheater may be more likely to cheat again than someone who hasn’t cheated, but that doesn’t mean that they will.
Ultimately, a person’s ability to change relies on the person themself: Change is possible only if actively pursued. It requires work, reflection, taking action, and therapy, and can only happen if the cheater recognizes the detrimental consequences of their unfaithful behavior. The cheater must be committed to changing in order to successfully transform themselves.
“Once a cheater, always a cheater” does not strictly define a relationship or the outcome of a cheater’s future relationships. Love is complicated, brutal, and messy. While it’s important to consider a love interest’s past relationships and possible infidelities, it is also necessary to understand that every relationship is different.
So, dear reader, if you happen to be dating or pursuing someone who has cheated in the past, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed or destined to end the same way. While the phrase “How you get them is how you lose them” points out the cyclical nature of relationships regarding their beginning and endings, it’s important to remember that love is always a gamble. That doesn’t mean you have to put your heart on the line, though: Keep an eye out for indicators that your love interest may be dishonest, unfaithful, or incapable of change. By removing your rose-colored glasses, you can have more control over your life and decide who deserves to be in it.