Don't Dog on Sex Toys

don’t dog on sex toys

written by isabella castelo

art by lily brown

I recently began my sex toy journey, and once I stopped giggling about the bucket of dusty pocket pussies in the corner of the sex shop (shout out Good Vibrations in Brookline), I realized some of the adult toys looked eerily familiar. 

I have a pitbull–great dane mutt at home who requires some heavy-duty dog toys—XL Kongs, rubber bones the size of my forearm, and rope that looks like it’s made to moor a 40-foot party boat. I constantly have to buy new ones at PetSmart when they regularly get destroyed in exciting tug-of-war games. Who knew I could also get them from my local sex shop?

Dog bones like this Pet Qwerks stick bone (left) could work as a dual-action dildo—perfect for couples. The Unbound Bender vibrator (right), rated number 17 on Cosmopolitan’s “25 Best Sex Toys for Women: Tested and Reviewed for Your Pleasure,” looks like something I’d throw to my dog in the park. 

“Come on, boy! Run! Come and catch your kinky tickling device.” For all the sensual romantics out there who relish the ticklish part of a pedicure, there’s not much difference between this Tug-E-Nuff Rabbit Skin Squeaky Chaser and a frisky feather tickler. 

As I perused the aisles of collars, leashes, and butt plugs I thought about how animalistic it all was. Some people dog on sex toys, especially about using them during sex with a partner. They say it’s “unnatural,” like you’re having sex with the toy rather than the human being. I’m here to tell you that using sex toys is one of the most primal instincts we have in the bedroom. 

The first sex toy was likely used over 28,000 years ago. Archaeologists have found plenty of conveniently phallus-shaped fossils, suggesting that cavepeople weren’t prudes. The oldest toy was found in southern Germany and was made of stone, bronze, camel dung, and bread—I know some people like texture, but talk about a yeast infection. Yeesh. Another ancient dildo was found in China from the 2nd century BCE, and it even had a tip carved out. This toy was much prettier and made of jade—classy. 

The first vibrators were made for medical purposes, curing women for what was then called “hysteria,” now known as: horny as fuck. It was a respected medical practice, and when at-home vibrators were invented, they were advertised in local newspapers—nothing to hide here.     

When did we make the switch? At what point did sex toys become so stigmatized that most sex shop windows are covered with tacky film so no one can see inside? Why did getting my new, hot-pink vibrator feel like a top-secret mission? We used to use dildos made of poop freely and now my pretty silicone one has to be hidden in a bag that’s in a box covered with a blanket under my bed. 

All this to say, using toys for pleasure is nothing new. Whether it’s a dog using a suspiciously shaped squeaky toy, ancient women using jade dildos to ward off evil, or me, experimenting with my new 10-speed, water-proof, bullet-proof vibrator, we are all having fun and all deserve to talk about it. You don’t have to use sex toys if you don’t want to; that’s your prerogative, but leave Lucy and me out of it.