The Ex-in-Law

The ex-in-law

written by ella donoghue

Love and obsession can be indistinguishable. Personally, I can’t help myself. When I’m curious about someone new, I simply must learn everything I can about them. What do they think about? What do they do? What makes them tick? I need some insight, and I need it straight from the source. Thank god there’s social media for me to investigate. 

What photos do they deem grid worthy? Why is one of our mutuals someone I met at summer camp in 2014? Could it be possible that they effortlessly curate a cooler feed than mine? Do they have the enviable tight knit friend group of my dreams? They posted with a girl in 2023… And who might that woman be?  

I’m scrolling until I hit bedrock, also known as what seems to be a freshman year of high school homecoming post. Is one of my eyes starting to twitch? I’m devouring their Instagram, and their mom’s Instagram, and their cousin’s. I’m analyzing what kind of caption writer they are. I'm carefully avoiding liking anything, though my hands might be starting to shake. I need more. I switch over to TikTok. Are there thirst traps? Do they use the sort of filters that alter their face or are they just that gorgeous? I realize I’ve been at it for an arguably dishonorable amount of time. I begin to wonder, am I in love? Oh no… Am I obsessed? Not with my new romantic prospect. With their ex. 

Shoutout to all my girls who keep their social media accounts public. None of this would be possible without you, you guys are my heroes. Thank you for your service. I’m not even being sarcastic. And no, things will not change between us if my romantic relationship flatlines. You’ve gained a fan for life, girl. Multiple fans, actually. My exes-in-law and the exes-in-law of my friends become the celebrities, the recurring characters, the human pillars of our groupchats. Even if you one day decide to private your account, don’t worry. You can rest assured knowing one of my friends’ burner accounts will become a lifelong loyal story viewer. Congratulations! And also, I’m so sorry. I know you never signed up for this. It really isn’t personal. It’s just something I’ve gotta do. 

When I say ex-in-law, I am referring to our partners’ exes, our exes’ partners, and even the exes of our exes. It’s a catch-all sort of term. If you and I were at any point in time romantically involved with the same individual, we remain strangers in the sense that we’ve probably never interacted and probably never will, but we aren’t really strangers. We’re exes-in-law, and I’m obsessed with you. 

Let me tell you about my most favorite ex-in-law of all. She is the high school girlfriend of one of my college situationships and she is beautiful. She looks like me, but like, if I took The Substance. She is tall, almost perpetually on a beach somewhere, and her captions always include a very nice collection of niche, curated emojis. One time I took some serious inspo from her previous year’s Halloween costume. Another time I made a video using the same song as one of her TikToks that I found to be especially esoteric and cool. It sounds creepy now, I know. But in the most genuine and least psycho killer way possible, I admire her. I haven’t spoken to her ex boyfriend, my ex situationship, in almost a year, but I still like to check up on her every so often. I like to see where she’s traveling to and what theme her sorority chose for their bid day. I’m curious to see if our mutual ex still likes her posts, as he does mine, despite having a new, equally beautiful girlfriend. He does. He’s weird. But I sincerely hope she, my ex-in-law, is doing well.

See, this is fun. When stalking an ex’s ex, you can wholeheartedly root for them without falling into a self-esteem wrecking comparison trap. Once we become the kinds of exes-in-law who both dated and then stopped dating the same person, I wish you absolutely nothing but the best, and I am, from the bottom of my heart, hoping to see you thrive. But when it comes to stalking—or as I like to call it, researching—a current partner’s ex, that can be less fun. I’m not above it, obviously, but I don’t recommend it. 

If I’m actively pursuing your ex, I’m lowkey hate-watching your shit. It’s awful, but I do it. Once during a “research” session, I clocked my partner’s ex posting about reading my favorite book. Full body chills. Oh, now I’m pissed. You already dated my partner, and now you’re reading my favorite book? Get her banned. Also, posting about reading? It’s got to be performative, I’d bet on it. 

Okay, my apologies, miss girl. Hate-watching is super immature. I’ll be the first to admit it. It is indeed a fraction—a small one, but still a real piece—of something I get obsessed with doing: Keeping up with my exes-in-law. It’s shameful, but some chemical in my brain tells me to keep going back for more. And I’m going to go out on a limb and doubt that I am alone in this. As I mentioned, my friends love it like I do. But maybe I’m friends with a bunch of evil girls. Who knows. 

My advice when it comes to the exes-in-law, the people we “harmlessly” obsess over from a careful distance, is that if you’re going to do it, promise me you won’t take it too far. Remember when Carrie Bradshaw spent a band shopping for a perfect new outfit to wear to an event where she knew Natasha, her ex-in-law, would be in attendance? And then Natasha didn’t even show? That was a really bad day to be Carrie. That was humiliating. I cannot stress this enough: We cannot let it get to that level. One should never spend a band on a new outfit to impress a romantic prospect, but to impress an ex-in-law? Jail. At the end of the day, the worst part is that they are never nearly as concerned with you and your life as you are with them and theirs. Fan behavior can indeed be harmless, if your ex-in-law serves as a sort of personal micro-influencer who you’ve come to love. But when it becomes a one-sided beef you’ve invented in your head and reinforced with avid, obsessive hate-watching, girls, let’s get a new hobby. Let’s focus our curious minds on a more productive subject. This is a reminder to myself, and for anyone else who needs to hear it: Leave that specific genre of exes-in-law alone. They are exes for a reason. And I’ve Always Said That.