CAN CAILLOU COME? Genuinely No.
CAN CAILLOU COME? Genuinely No.
Written by ella donoghue
No, your boyfriend can’t come. I’m honestly offended you would even ask me that.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for my friends who are obsessed with their partners. I love to hear about the great sex they’re having, the fun dates they’re going on, and the new routines they’re slipping into. I promise I’m not that jaded. It’s endearing, watching their “I” become “we.”
That is until “I’ll be there at 8,” becomes “we’ll be there at 8,” wherein “we” refers to the never-clarified but easily assumed, always adorned accessory of a boyfriend who nobody explicitly invited, and nobody really cares to have around.
First of all, if your boyfriend is with us at girls night, how are we supposed to talk about him? I’m so serious right now. You want us to be reduced to hurried, overlapping whispers about him while he quickly steps into the bathroom? I won’t stand for it. And worse: how are we supposed to talk about ourselves? I don’t know who would be more uncomfortable with the usual topics of our friendship kiki time: us, or the man you’ve brought into the equation? The second he steps into the room, I’m going to consider the vibe killed. I’m sorry. But now, it’s no longer a girl party with someone’s digi-cam and carefree outfit changes and sharing lip gloss and “does anybody have a tampon?” It’s not typical fun—it’s just awkward. Nobody knows what to say or do, least of all the guy who’s been clinging to your arm for dear life the whole time. Mom, pick me up, I’m scared.
But mostly I’m just wondering why he is here. I guess that’s because I am able to recognize that my partner would be more content playing Minecraft on the phone with his friends than going to lunch or a pajama party with me and mine. So I tend to avoid dragging him along, unless I know I’m not the only person there he feels comfortable with. To me, it feels like bringing your cat to the dog park. Is your cat’s FOMO that bad? Can’t you tell your cat that you’re setting a few hours aside for your dogs? Blink twice if your cat is holding you hostage, girl!
Sometimes, especially in newer relationships, it can feel like your love is holding you hostage. You might want to spend every waking moment with your partner because they’re simply your favorite person. But you know your friends will eventually start to feel replaced. So if avoiding the gradual decay of your friendships means bringing your partner along to hang out with them, then so be it, I guess. But when you’re constantly asking if Caillou can come, and the only person at the function who Caillou cares about is you, to your friends it still appears that you are being held hostage.
We naturally begin to use our imagination, filling in the gaps, trying to picture exactly how he was awarded this plus-one invitation. Maybe you told him you had plans to go out with your friends, and maybe he got a little hostile. We see the conversation clear as day: he dryly replied “ok,” and you said “what’s wrong?” and he said, “nothing…” but the subtext and his tone said “you hate me, you don’t want to spend time with me, you’re going to cheat on me tonight, and I don’t trust you to go anywhere without me there.” And then we assume that after doing that whole song and dance, you ultimately told him he could come too, but only to avoid a blowout fight. Neither of you is excited, per se, but you want to show your friends that you aren’t glued to his bed, and that he can hang as one of the girls. In reality, even if he calls the Uber for us all and snaps a few pictures of us when you ask him to, becoming “one of the girls” is a title not easily earned. And he definitely can’t become one of us if we can smell that he’s controlling you.
I’m not trying to say that all boyfriends who frequently spend time with their girlfriends’ friends are controlling, or that their presence inherently ruins the vibe. A lot of boys can, truly, be one of the girls. But if he’s got trust issues, trust me, the girls can tell. And if he just can’t go one night without you, that’s a red flag that your friends will eventually come to sense, too. Instead of always asking if Caillou can come, there are better questions to ask. Like, “How does everybody honestly feel about Caillou?” Or, “Do you guys think Caillou is getting a little codependent?”
Becoming a package deal is cute and all, but the only thing worse than never seeing your home girl again because they’re constantly with their partner is only getting to see your friend and their partner, together. We can’t talk about your sex life if your sex life is in the room with us. We can’t discuss the real, deep, personal shit, the shit that keeps friendships close, if there’s a lowkey rando listening in. And we won’t even get the opportunity to tell you that until you break away from his tight leash. I don’t think having a boyfriend is embarrassing. But asking if Caillou can come is. And I’ve Always Said That.