The Art of the Situationship

written By Ella Donoghue

Arguably one of the funniest things I’ve ever said was directed toward a girl who had been in a situationship with a guy I was simultaneously in one with too. We had a class together a few months after the fact, and she once raised her hand to answer a question about collectivism. I immediately texted my group chat of friends, telling them what I wanted to say to her, which was: “What do you know about collectivism, bitch, you fucked my boyfriend!” But frankly, he wasn’t my boyfriend, and he definitely wasn’t hers either. I was only bitter because,  after our love triangle, she found herself in a real relationship sooner than I did.. Meanwhile, I was left wondering if anyone would commit to me, and if so, why’d it have to happen to her first? What did she have that caught the attention of the guy I liked, enough for him to two-time us? And whatever it was, how did it also result in someone wanting to be her boyfriend so quickly compared to me? I eventually evolved from my immature jealousy, realizing that she and I were pitted against each other by nature of our circumstances. I only ever compared myself to her because I was made to by our awful overlapping situationships. 

“Situationship” is a word so unique I’ve had to write it twenty times in this article because there is no other way to describe it. A situationship is not to be confused with a fuck buddy (where both parties have mutually agreed to keep the relationship purely sexual), a friend with benefits (though their definitions can sometimes overlap), or even a talking stage (though if a relationship halts here for more than a month or two, it can be referred to as a situationship without argument). And they are definitely not to be confused with a boyfriend or girlfriend. In fact, a situationship serves to be the antithesis. Our uses of the words “boyfriend/girlfriend,” “dating,” and “relationship,” have become skewed as we collectively  grow more afraid of commitment. Dating someone, being named their boyfriend or girlfriend, must always result in either marriage (scary), or a soul-crushing break-up (scarier?). It is this apprehension in combining sexual and emotional intimacy that births most situationships. We’re substituting the root word “relation” for “situation,” in order to normalize the complete absence of promised commitment or exclusivity inherent to true relationships. It’s radical, and admittedly, sounds enticing on paper. 

The situationship was also not born from Hookup Culture, despite what you might’ve heard. Hookup culture has long been known as “having-a-bunch-of-one-night-stands,” but it rebranded sometime in the past decade. It’s okay to participate in that. Hookup culture territory is a nice place to find yourself in, there just won’t be any rose petals on the beds there. Oh, and expect to be paying for all your own Ubers. The lawlessness, spontaneity, and lack of feelings that define hookup culture starkly contrast situationship culture, where everything is a big deal, from talking about feelings and whether they’re reciprocated, to the simple word exclusive, which a situationship is almost always not. 

The art of the situationship is an unspoken compromise. It is two people agreeing to start something together, both looking ahead in different directions, toward different possible outcomes. Mastering the art of the situationship is signing up to live with an imbalanced power dynamic, a lack of communication and/or emotional intimacy met with physical intimacy, and general feelings of confusion for extended time. It is a relationship wherein all the typical expectations of a relationship get replaced by limitations on how “real” it’s allowed to get. One tends to fall into the role of withholding or at least avoiding all these markers of something “real”, like meeting parents, posting on social media, and being introduced as a boyfriend or a girlfriend. The other person then slowly begins to crave more and more realness, their resentment toward the other growing exponentially in the echo of silence.

If you’ve come to enjoy a person’s company under the assumption that your fun with them will not impact your emotions or your schedule in the ways that relationships can, your detached indifference can become a weapon. You have a carrot in your hand, dangling it in front of someone who clearly wants it, and that position puts you on a pedestal. You can have all the fun—with however many partners you choose—with none of the strings. It’s easy. It’s simplistically sexy. And if you are never truly willing to give up your heart, nobody can break it, right? Ultimately, it’s probably wishful thinking. You can’t forever pretend that your time spent with a person is casual or platonic if it is simultaneously frequent and sexual. You cannot cuddle all night in a platonic way. You cannot spend 20 hours a week together casually. And you cannot under any circumstances kiss someone’s forehead casually nor platonically. (Many people seem to have trouble with that one.) If you are rigid in your opposition to getting serious, you must ensure you do not live in a reality that is true for yourself but not for your partner. You can’t let the boundaries blur. 

My main critique of situationships and of the power structures they foster centers on the mental effects of the avoidant’s behavior on their partner. On the other side of the situationship dynamic, some days you might receive the validation you long for, and you feel more fulfilled than ever. You could run a marathon chasing that high. It feels like a Win. Other days, the person you’re obsessed with makes you feel like personified roadkill, and worse, their fearful avoidance only makes you want to become the recipient of their attention even more. They’re positioning their affection as a prize to vie for. When the person you want provides you with sporadic attention and validation, but does not meet you where you are in terms of a more serious commitment and draws arbitrary lines to avoid anything they deem not casual enough, it makes you feel insufficient. It breeds anxiety and jealousy. Whether intentional or not, it will degrade your self-image and your perceptions of other single people who are also in pursuit of real connection. By giving and taking, your situationship has locked you in a cage of subordination, and made you a willing participant in a game you never wanted to play. They make you hate your competition—who are, too, unwilling participants in this imaginary challenge—with the fierceness of a lineman at the Superbowl. It’s like you’ve been reaped for The Hunger Games of single people. And to maintain your confidence and dignity, you want to be victorious. These are high stakes. You need to be victorious.

This leaves you wondering who you hate more: Yourself? Or those other people? The ones whose Instagram stories you catch your situationship lingering on for a few seconds too long while you lie next to them, a pit forming in your stomach. The ones in their tagged photos from 2022. The ones you heard they kissed one time three semesters ago. Realistically, the only person you should hate is them, for contributing to this fucked up datingscape we find ourselves in, ignorantly or not. Do not disrespect yourself and others in pursuit of someone who is actively making you insecure, anxious, and paranoid that no one may ever let you in.

If this is currently you, take a good look at your one-sided, unrequited, non-exclusive low-commitment casual nothingship. Take off your rose colored glasses and stare back at the grotesque mass of words I just wrote. Allow yourself to get embarrassed and uncomfortable and ashamed that you’ve allowed an emotionally unavailable person to completely redesign your self-esteem and your perceptions of your single peers without even promising you their love. Allow those feelings to propel you into the relationship you really want and really deserve. Or, I heard British Vogue said boyfriends are embarrassing now, anyway. Shoot straight for a period of intentional aloneness. Time spent single is often needed after enduring an especially long, frustrating situationship. It is just as desirable as being in a couple, and can be even more freeing. Either way, sustaining your sanity is far more valuable than mastering the art of something that is genuinely fucking pointless. And I’ve Always Said That.