An Apple A Day
An Apple A Day: Should we be taking our orgasms more seriously?
By Ella Donoghue
A very dear friend of mine has a strict orgasm-a-day policy. Like a toddler with a nap schedule, if she doesn’t get off, she gets cranky. You might hear her say, “I’m sorry, I just haven’t had my orgasm yet,” as justification for a yawn during conversation or an uncharacteristic negative attitude, like a millennial who hasn’t yet had her morning coffee. Some of us respond with a giggle or congratulate her on her amazing sex life, saying “You do that? That’s fucking impressive,” with perhaps a twang of jealousy or, I imagine in some cases, judgement. It might seem unconventional or excessive. But I’m curious: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an orgasm a day ward off? Sadness? Boredom? The dreaded dopamine deficit?
Climaxing every day might be the stuff of nightmares to those who are religious about edging. To others, it may be an idea for a New Year’s Resolution. To Clementine, it’s not an actual dependency, but a priority she equates to any other part of a person’s self-care routine. “I really just need to release,” she said.
Clementine admittedly does feel happier, like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders on the days she’s orgasmed, although it’s been a while since a day has gone by without it. “My sex drive is higher than my boyfriend’s but he’s very willing to keep up with me. He makes me finish more than I do for him, but that’s the way it should be, because he knows it makes me happy.” Her partner “does it because he wants to do it,” she said.
If you have a partner, or two or three, individual time is of equal importance to partner time in terms of getting your daily reps in. Despite being a vehement advocate for self-exploration and getting off in whatever way works best for you, Clementine would never date someone who couldn't make her finish, even if they were perfect in every other way.
“I don't date perfect people anyway,” she said. “But once you've learned there are people in the world who can make you come, you don't want to go back. Someone who’s perfect should be devoted to figuring out how to make you come. You are not perfect for someone if you cannot give them pleasure the way that they need it.”
Talking about her boyfriend, she believes that not only prioritizing herself, but allowing someone else to prioritize your orgasms “brings you closer, and gives you added respect for yourself. I used to have a lot of sex where I never came, and it made me feel like I wasn't deserving of that. Sex felt like an exchange where I wasn't getting much, because sex where you don't finish is doing a service for the other person. Sex shouldn't be a service unless you're getting paid, and that's a whole other conversation.”
Clementine has always thought of herself as a very sexual person. She first started exploring her sexuality deeper at 14. “I thought I was doing it wrong at first, because no one told me girls don't ejaculate. I was like, why am I throwing blanks?”
Soon enough she realized that investing time in learning about her personal preferences would help her prepare for sexual activity, because if she knew what she liked, she could ensure that future partners would be better able to fulfill her. She admitted to sometimes feeling superior to friends who rarely or never orgasm, but she’s become a sort of sexual fairy godmother to these friends.
“I started buying my friends vibrators during my sophomore year of high school. I'd be the one to go into Target and be like, ‘Excuse me? Can I get this vibrator?’ because I knew my friends were nervous. I also knew that it's something everyone should be in touch with. It makes me feel better, and I have this idea that it would make everyone feel better! People think it's taboo, but everyone deserves it, and it's the best relationship you can have with yourself.”
Building a strong relationship with ourselves through increasing the frequency of our orgasms is really what I’m getting at, here. No matter what it takes. It can be a beautiful and beneficial experience in a number of ways. Whether a team effort or a solo number, a woman taking control of her own sexual experience is never an over-the-top or even a shameful thing. I think that it’s especially important to put effort into orgasming if yours are difficult to accomplish, or are few and far between.
The opposite of Clementine, her roommate Monique does not orgasm every day. A large part of the reason is surprisingly not because the two share a room, and that much alone time for both of them would be slightly impractical to accommodate. It’s because the only person to ever make Monique finish has been Monique. Never has she gotten there with a partner involved. Her boyfriend understands that there are alternate ways he can make up for the inequality that exists when he always gets to finish during sex and she does not, so ultimately, she doesn’t place too much emphasis on the matter. After all, Clementine gifted her a vibrator, which is always there for her.
“I’d much rather receive an orgasm than flowers,” Clementine said, “but Monique’s boyfriend buys her flowers all the time, and it’s very sweet.”
According to Monique, her sex drive is just not high. Admittedly, she does wish she could share the experience of an orgasm with someone, but she truly does not believe she ever will. “I can enjoy sex to an extent, but it isn’t like I’m doing it for me most of the time,” Monique said. Knowing that she can only climax by herself makes her less interested in it all together.
Though I was basically heartbroken to hear that Monique doesn’t feel like she’s choosing to have sex with her own pleasure in mind at all, she wouldn’t say that she’s dissatisfied with her sex life or the frequency of her orgasms. Some of us simply need to get off more than others. Monique says that she never finds herself needing sex in the way that Clementine does, and I want to emphasize that this is perfectly normal. Each of our bodies is different. It’s harmful to compare ourselves to others, orgasms included.
However, it is of utmost importance to prioritize being familiar with our bodies. What works for them and what doesn’t? What makes us feel our best? What can make us feel rejuvenated or relaxed or both at once? You might never feel like you need to orgasm in the same way that you might never feel like you need to go to a yoga class. But consistency is really key in learning about our minds and bodies, our likes and dislikes. They can change, you know. And the ways in which we each reach that point, how often we can and do, and the feeling afterward, are always going to vary. It’s like my friend Paloma once said, “None of my orgasms are the same. It’s like when I wash my hair… How will it turn out?”
The more attention you focus on feeling good, the better you will ultimately feel. Duh, right? If you increase the amount of time each day or each week spent on pleasure, you will have a more pleasurable life. And your orgasms, however different each one may be, will increase in pleasurability, too. Harnessing the mental and physical power of the female orgasm can seriously improve your day, your mood, your outlook, your focus, your calmness, and I’d better stop there or I’ll go on forever.
Whether your partner can get you there or you find your own way makes little difference, as long as you are getting there, and it’s intentional, deliberate, and consistent, not a freak accident that you are too surprised by to really soak in its benefits. Make sure it’s real, too. Faking an orgasm is like saying yes to a proposal when you know you aren’t in love: You’re lying to yourself, to your partner, and you’re promising future disappointment for at least one, if not both of you. Please, instead, order a vibrator and use it once a day until you get it. It literally is like a skill you can practice. If you put time in, imagine what you can get out.
As a collective, in order to raise spirits and create mass positivity, we should be taking our orgasms more seriously. We should be talking about it with our friends and telling our partners what feels good. More importantly, we should be investing in ourselves as much as we can, in whatever ways we can. It makes the hard parts of life easier. It makes sex better. It takes the edge off! And I’ve Always Said That.
I’m not here to promise anyone that an orgasm a day will change your life. It might, honestly. But making time for yourself definitely will. Prioritizing emotional release in any capacity and doing things that make you feel good more often are easy steps to take in coping with pretty much everything.
So the next time you’re bored or sad, the next time you need a midday pick-me-up or a late night calm-me-down, the next time your partner asks if there’s anything they can do for you, or your roommate offers to help you delve into the world of vibrators, I hope you think of me.