I’ve avoided rom-coms, coming-of-age movies, and K-dramas for as long as I can remember. The love stories portrayed in them enrage me (probably more than they should). To have undeniably sweet love letters, love songs, and kisses that aren’t jumpscares is something I’ve longed for. For years, I’ve labeled myself a hopeless romantic, seeking the type of love we see in movies and television shows. I mean, no one expects dating to be just like the movies, but damn, it's so far removed. The unrealistic portrayal of love and dating in the media has skewed my expectations for my dates, and for that I don’t know who should apologize. Is it me for falling for what I see on the screen? Is it my friends and family for letting my love drift so far from what is grounded and real? Or maybe it’s me because I should know better. The reality is that dating can be stressful, embarrassing, and, most importantly, confusing.

Picture this: you have finally made progress in establishing the boundaries you’ve worked so hard to set for yourself, and now you’re trying to explain those same boundaries to your date. There is no guide that breaks down the not-so-pretty sides of the dating scene. Conflicting love languages or expectations make for awkward moments. Trust me, I know firsthand. Going on dates is something I’ve started to do regularly, not because thousands of men are dying to take me out, but rather because I want to find the spark that confirms I’m not broken. One date is too touchy, another too self-centered, or maybe they didn’t treat the waiter respectfully. Each time, I’m repulsed or uninterested, and second dates are out the window. I question why I don’t click with them; why I've never felt compelled to initiate physical contact. Am I too picky? Am I not sexually attracted to men? So many questions arise to the surface because I don’t hear or see other people facing these difficulties, except people in relationships.

There are a thousand steps between meeting a cool guy and becoming his girlfriend; I need a step-by-step! When I think about these steps, I imagine the first step is to get their number, and then the questionnaire begins. What’s your favorite food? What do you do in your downtime? What’s your sign? The list goes on. The texts go from here and there to ‘good morning’ and ‘goodnight’ texts every day. Then someone makes the first move (often not me) and confesses their feelings. A date is planned, and suddenly things are different. A couple of words completely change the vibe. I couldn’t tell you what happens next because I’m still figuring this out myself, but I’ve learned that settling on a guy in hopes the spark comes later is not the solution. I often don’t know what I’ll find appealing about my date until he is right in front of me, and I sometimes find myself staying out of pity. Engaging with someone based on their behavior and energy in person is navigating new terrain. Maybe there will be banter but no sex appeal; perhaps they are a gentleman but lack self-awareness. Most people get dolled up for a date, myself included. I try to present the best version of myself under the impression my date is absolutely judging me. When texting, I find myself being witty, flirty, and confident—that doesn’t translate in person. I become timid in the presence of any guy I like. In movies, they allude to being completely comfortable with “the one” from the start. That doesn’t feel practical.

For me, having anxiety adds an additional layer to unpack when dating. Even if it goes unsaid, my anxiety quickly moves into the spotlight in many situations. Where is the sweet spot between trauma dumping on a potential significant other and suffering in silence through uncomfortable or triggering situations on a date? I struggle with panic attacks and would rather my date know about that beforehand to avoid major confusion or further panicking. Some people have trigger words or aren’t comfortable with being touched unwarranted. No two people are the same. Although many brag about having dating down-pat, that doesn’t happen overnight (if at all) but rather is the result of many hit-or-miss dates. I remind myself that my boundaries and expectations are not the reasons behind my singleness. I will continue to go on dates, improving my communication and finding my balance, but I will never forgive unrealistic dating standards.

Where's the Spark?