I used to look down on young girls who were in long-term relationships. I thought being a young woman was supposed to be about to be about ambition, determination, about f*cking around and discovering who you are. I thought that young girls who dated seriously or got married early were naive—like lost puppy dogs in search of love and attention. How could you know you love someone and discover them entirely without completely knowing yourself? “There’s no way it will work out,” I would think, “or worse…it will.”

For me, tying yourself to a man meant sacrificing a part of yourself, or at least a part of your dreams. To tie yourself down before you really get to accomplish any of them, well, that didn’t sit right with me. To be honest, it really terrified me, and it still does.

So when I started dating my boyfriend, I did it for fun because I liked him. It was never supposed to be anything serious or anything long; I just was into him, plain and simple. I think it was for him, too, but as time went on, I really fell—which, by the way, was also never supposed to happen. And then suddenly, before I could take stock, two and half years go by, and I have become one of those puppy girls I had looked down on. So one day, two years in, I was sitting in bed, scrolling through TikTok, and I came across a video that said, “You wanna know what’s really f***ing cheugy? Having a boyfriend!” Now if you don’t already know, “cheugy” has become a term used to describe things that used to be very in trend and now are extremely outdated or cringey. Of course, I knew that this TikTok and its very popular sound about boyfriends being “cheugy” was satirical. But part of me couldn’t help but think about how true it feels—that having a boyfriend feels outdated, cringey, and almost anti-woman.

Before young women were free to educate themselves, work, or reach whatever goals it was that they held, many of them had to marry early to gain financial security before wealthy bachelors were off the market or before their childbearing years were over. Now, in an age of hyper-feminism and “girlboss” mentality, it feels wrong to tie yourself down so early when you don’t have to. It’s as if we have reached a period in which young women feel they must choose between love or independence and cannot have both. Not only do young women choose one side of this binary, but then they must wrestle with the guilt of not choosing the other. I know this wrestle well.

Women now must make the most of every sliver of opportunity, because we haven’t always had it and we don’t know when we won’t have it again. Therefore, to dedicate some of that time and energy for reaching goals and furthering yourself to a man feels misguided and shameful. And in speaking to some of my other friends in relationships, especially those in longer ones, it's not an uncommon feeling. I’ve had instances where older women, in reference to hearing I have a boyfriend, tell me, “don’t limit yourself,” “keep your options open,” “make sure you always focus on yourself and your goals first.” Now of course this is great advice, but I tell myself these things every day. I’m not naive. I know what my goals are, and I’m a very driven individual. I want them to know that I’m not someone who leaches onto a man and forgets who they are. But do those leachy, puppy dog women even exist? Maybe they’re a group that we’ve built up in our heads.

Women in today’s age are neither girl bosses, nor leeches, nor puppy dogs. We feel this implicit guilt of having to choose between love and independence and therefore further this age old trope that women can only be one thing. And to be quite frank, I think we’ve all had enough of that. We are multidimensional beings, and everyone knows it. Therefore, we can give ourselves to another and still maintain ourselves and our goals. We shouldn’t judge one another for what we choose to coexist as, whether it be Girlfriend and CEO or Single Woman and Unemployed or Wife and Mother.

Boyfriends are “Cheugy:” Implicit Female Guilt