*Content warning: sexual assault and violence

The first time he called me a “fucking cunt” was on our one year anniversary. I had been looking forward to this since the first day I met him, but he was too busy messing around with a girl from his history class.

The first time I discovered he was cheating on me was when he said another girl’s name in bed. He shoved me on my bed, took off my panties, smashed my face into my pillow, and whispered in my ear “You like that, Kel?” After he finished, I laid still and silent, feeling my warm tears slide down my cheeks, soaking my pillowcase. He got up, put his pants on, and made a phone call outside to a “friend.” That day also marked the first time I had been taken advantage of sexually. The thought of allowing another man to touch me still terrifies me.

Our relationship only got worse as the days went on.

It’s been 3 months since I left the relationship, I still experience flashbacks, nightmares, depression, and severe anxiety. What affects me the most is the nightmares. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, unable to breathe, gasping for air because I remember him choking me against the wall, slamming me onto the bed, and forcing himself onto me. I don’t feel safe anywhere. I can’t relax. In my mind, the threat of danger is still around every corner.

Life after an abusive relationship isn’t easy. I have to constantly remind myself that my life is my own to live, and that I need to take as much time as I need to heal.

When we were still dating, his sexual and physical abuse persisted. He never changed—no matter how hard I tried to make things better. I felt more and more ready to leave, but I was also too scared to say the words “I want to break up with you.”

I finally built up the courage to do it on my 19th birthday as he and I were driving home from the grocery store. He gave me the middle finger and grabbed my drivers’ leg knee, causing me to crash into a high school parking lot. I somehow avoided a tree by an inch. After that, I couldn’t build the strength to do it again. I was terrified he would try to hurt me even more.

We weren’t always this toxic. During the honeymoon phase, he’d surprise me with bouquets of sunflowers, write me heartfelt love notes, and make out with me in the back row of the movie theater. His love was my drug. I thought he was the one.

So I put all the blame on myself. I defended him, not only to my friends and family, but to my therapist as well. I even told the police that the car crash was my fault.

Anyone who tried to tell me that my relationship was unhealthy became the enemy. But after the car crash, I came to terms with the abuse, realizing that the only way for it to stop was to take control.

Now, it’s nice to finally be able to do what I want when I want. I honestly forgot the feeling of freedom when I was trapped in his wicked spell.

I realize now he wanted me to feel lost and scared. It took me a while to admit to myself that I needed help. Part of me wanted to just brush everything under the rug. But, after weeks of abusing alcohol and trying to fill the empty hole in my heart with random men, I knew that it was time to seek professional help.

The undoing of his lies and manipulations through my self-discovery can sometimes feel like an awakening, but can also be very emotionally difficult to process. I see a therapist weekly who helps me identify healthy coping strategies and grounding techniques like breathing exercises. We also work on ways to build my self-esteem back up.

It’s hard to look in the mirror or at a photo of myself without hearing his voice in the back of my head, telling me I need to do more squats or up my skincare routine. It’s really difficult for me to want to meet someone new when all I hear is his voice putting me down. But, when these thoughts enter my mind, I tell myself “I am beautiful, I am loved, I am abundance,” because I am. One of the most crucial parts of recovery is realizing that.

And it’s about time I speak up and share my story. It’s the only way I’ll be able to move on and find happiness.

Toxic Detox