How Daddy Issues Make You Love Different

Art by Lillian Cohen

My entire life, I’ve always said “I have the worst luck with men”—not just with the guys I’ve dated and slept with, but with the men who raised me.

My dad left when I was only a year old after getting my mom pregnant again. 

My mom started dating an abusive police officer when I was three. Then after I turned eleven, she entered a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. He choked me, hit me, and on multiple instances, attempted to kill me. It continued until I was eighteen. 

So, when I say I have the worst luck with men—I mean it.

When those with “daddy issues” are deprived of love, we search for it in any form—

either healthy or unhealthy. We normalize abuse and inconsistency in sexual and romantic relationships because that’s what we’re used to. 

Angie Banados, a licensed therapist, says people with parental issues are often more inclined to choose partners similar to the figures who raised them. 

“People with absent or abusive dads certainly cause certain kids to have abandonment issues. People will crave love and have a fear of being alone,” says Banados. “A lot of my clients craved love from men that they wanted from their dads. This results in men and women staying in a relationship no matter how bad or abusive it becomes.”

In fact, research documented in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, states that “perceiving greater sexual interest among men could increase a woman’s likelihood of engaging in unrestricted or risky sexual behavior in response to growing up with a disengaged father.” 

I have chosen men who resemble my father and my stepdads throughout past relationships. This lack of paternal love has stayed with me since I was a little girl. I’ve always told myself “I’ll never pick someone who is like them,” but then I do.

Anna*, a junior journalism major, says her relationships have followed a similar pattern. “Having an absent father has caused me to stay in romantic relationships, even if I know I don’t want to,” says Anna. “I’ll do anything to make sure they’re happy, even if I'm not.”

When I was 17 years old, I did the same thing. I entered a nine-month relationship with a man who beat me, smashed my TV, and stole 800 dollars from me. He was exactly like the men who raised me. And when I finally ended the relationship, I dated a string of men who would toy with my emotions and use me for sexual pleasure.

After allowing the men I dated to repeat the abuse I received from father figures my entire life, I realized I deserved more than men like them. I deserve someone who will love and cherish me with every ounce of them. I’m just as worthy of love as anyone else. I learned to forgive those men. Instead of letting them define me, I’m allowing them to guide me.

While a portion of people with paternal issues revert to abusive relationships, this is not the case for everyone with these problems. Some people who grew up with an absent father find men who are the exact opposites of them.

Sydney*, a sophomore journalism major, says that growing up with a stepdad who abusive actually did not cause her to have abandonment issues. Rather, it made her stay away from men like the one she grew up with. 

“I saw the way my step dad treated my mom. If she didn’t give him what he wanted, he’d go to someone else,” said Syndey. “[He would] leave for periods of time, then resurface again. When he left, I blamed myself, but over time I realized he was the one with issues, not me. I’ve used this with the men I chose to get involved with. I always make sure to never ignore red flags.”

Although there are cases where men and women with daddy issues struggle to escape abusive relationships with men like their father figures, there are also cases where people, like Sydney, will be extra cautious to avoid men like their dad.

No matter how minimal or severe your paternal issues may be, they all affect the way we love differently. So yes, I have daddy issues, and yes, they make me love differently, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

*Some names in this piece have been changed for privacy reasons.