After the end of a relationship, many people, whether they are the heartbroken or the heartbreakers, go through a period of grief. But what happens when people decide to have sex with their ex? I’m talking about breakup sex. Maybe you’ve heard that it’s the worst thing you could possibly do, and maybe you’ve heard it’s the best sex you’ll ever have. 

Relationship psychologists haven’t tackled the subject until recently.  In a study titled Pursuing Sex with an Ex: Does It Hinder Breakup Recovery?, Stephanie Spielmann, a social psychologist and professor at Wayne State University, found no conclusive evidence to say that breakup sex is a good thing or a bad thing. It just is what it is. However, the study did not look at individual differences such as attachment style, previous trauma, varying sexual orientations, or gender identities, which are factors that could potentially influence how sex with an ex affects a person’s breakup recovery. 

Professor Lindsey Beck, who specializes in the social psychology behind close friendships and romantic relationships, explained that our attachment styles can affect how we respond to breakup sex. “We know that anxiously attached people tend to have more volatile responses in [general], so we could make the prediction that they would have more reactive responses to breakup sex.” In terms of those people who are more avoidantly attached, Beck said she could “envision avoidantly attached people benefiting from breakup sex because they [...] get the experience of having sex, [without having] to worry about the emotional implications.” 

So what causes people of all attachment styles to engage in breakup sex? One testable hypothesis is that with all of the potential fighting, emotional stress, and fear of essentially losing a loved one, physiological arousal may be triggered. Essentially, fear can get you all hot and bothered. As explained in the Encyclopedia of Social Psychology, this is called the arousal transfer theory, meaning that once those scary breakup feelings are felt, the intensity of that emotion becomes a more loving, or in this case, lustful emotion. 

The results of this sex seem to be a mixed bag. Jonathan Blum, Media Studies ‘20 said “a few of my exes have hit me up over the years, and for them, I have three simple words: Never. Fucking. Happening. I did it once and he cried the whole time! Never again.” While Stephanie Galvin, Communication Disorders ’19 said something more positive about her breakup sex experience. “It was really good? There’s something energizing about knowing that it’s the last time you’ll see someone,” says Stephanie.

Sometimes breakup sex is more chaotic than energizing. “My ex and I had sex on and off for a few months after breaking up the fall of my junior year,” says Kendra Atkins, Writing, Literature & Publishing ’19. “The sex itself was fine, but I never really knew how to leave, or how to kick him out when it was over. And to make matters worse, we go to a really small school and were friends with so many of the same people. Overall, it was just messy and I wish I had just moved on sooner.” 

Sex with an ex can be emotionally dicey. Spielmann and colleagues found in their study this physical relationship can lead to feelings of emotional attachment that you may rather leave behind. You may find yourself feeling all googly-eyed for your ex because of the dopamine and oxytocin (two hormones that affect one’s happiness) your brain releases during sex, leaving you wanting to return to a relationship that may not be the best for you. If breakup sex were a room, it would say ‘Enter At Your Own Risk’.

It’s not all bad though. Professor Beck says, “relationships are likely to be more satisfying, more fulfilling, and more positive for both partners if both of them have shared expectations, goals, and motivations.” Meaning, if you’ve talked about it honestly with your ex and you both are clear on what you want from the sexual experience, breakup sex could be a satisfying experience at the start of relationship recovery. Some may even find it a helpful part of the healing process.  

There are still many others who have little to no interest in having sex with an ex at any point during their breakup. Professor Beck recommends find social support in family and friends after a relationship and rediscovering hobbies or interests that were perhaps ignored during one’s previous relationship. Because no matter your preferences when it comes to breakup sex, it’s clear that the end of a relationship is draining and complicated.