Why So Intoxicating?

I was watching an episode of Sex and The City, when I had a thought: why do we root for Carrie and Big? Their relationship is evidently toxic. He screws her over just about a million times—i.e not being able to commit, the constant mind games, and even leaving her at the altar. Though they reconcile each time, and we celebrate. We celebrate in spite of seeing Carrie suffer at the hands of Big. We celebrate, even though we all sympathized when she yelled tearfulling “[if this is love] why does it hurt so f**** much?” We still yearn for her to get right back into the mouse trap that is Mr.Big’s arms. 

The idolized relationship of Carrie and Mr. Big is hardly the only of its kind. There’s always going to be people pining for a Ross and Rachel, Chuck and Blaire, or Damon and Elena type of love, despite the cheating, the constant breaking up and the “we were on a break” ’s. But what makes us love seeing these romances, the good, the bad, and apparently the ugly? 

Dr. Daniel de Paula Valentim Hutchins, Emerson professor specializing in Love and Eroticism in Western Culture, has a valid answer to this question.“People like gossip and drama. In terms of ‘the media’ in particular, their job is to create interest and attract eyeballs. Few things do that more than public relationships with clear problems...It’s the gift that keeps on giving,” There is something so accurate about describing these couples as the gift that keeps on giving. Drama is always to be expected, and that's what keeps us intrigued. I think it’s fair to say, to many fans, this drama is what makes them consider these romances to be so “epic” in nature. We see two partners who have a complicated relationship; two people who have been through a lot with one another. For some reason, this seems to excuse the toxicity of it all for us. And this led me to my next thought: does this mirror the reasoning behind getting entangled in these types of toxic relationships in real life? The answer seems to be yes. 

Hutchins elaborates, saying, “I think there is an obsession with the unattainable..that completely saturates every aspect of our civilization..You can’t have people happy with what they have in a capitalist system...You need people buying things, buying into advertising, striving, aspiring, always hoping for something better.. But there’s this idea that you can never settle for what you already have; never have enough – I imagine that also translates into relationships.” We are no stranger to the desire of wanting what we can’t have. It’s practically been taught to us. So it’s not so far off to say—as Hutchins suggested—that this mindset can translate into relationships. It all comes down to the excitement of it all. I think a lot of us crave that same thrill we get when we watch or read about these toxic romances. Perhaps, we also want the thrill and drama of chasing someone so unattainable. I have consistently found myself going after the unattainable, and have witnessed many do the same. And the funny thing is, when the chase loses its thrill, we end the pursuit, which begs the question; was the thrill the main source of fulfillment, rather than the person we were chasing? However, the craving for this excitement can’t possibly be enough to keep us going despite the pain that can evidently come along with this pursuit. Or can it? Maybe, as Carrie Bradshaw proposes, we are addicted to the feeling of “the exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable” (Sex and the City). If that is true, doesn’t it all come back to the loving of the drama--which must undoubtedly include pain--that is chasing someone so very out of reach? 

When I reached the end of the episode, Carrie Bradshaw left me with this: “I was the real sadist. He might have been the one with the whip, but I was the one who tied myself up.” As infuriating of a thought that it is, perhaps we are responsible for the pain we experience at the hands of our own Mr.Big’s. After all, we kept on playing, despite knowing very well that the odds were not in our favor.

I decided that whatever or whoever is to blame for our distorted view about what makes an “epic love,” or what we want in a romantic partner, does not matter. We deserve better. And it ought to be time that we claim it.