TikTok Smut Made Me Do It
TikTok Smut Made Me Do It
by Charlotte Brandman
The date was November 28th, 2023. My roommate, Leah, and I were sitting at our desks, eating our freshly boiled pasta. That’s when my TikTok ForYou page cursed me… with TikTok smut. That’s right, I read about sex somewhere other than my Kindle. And it was awesome. I acted out the different characters (really utilizing my high school musical theatre training) so Leah knew who was speaking. What was the smut, you ask? Only a doctor and a patient— the worst and best trope known to mankind. When a girl’s “best friend’s older brother” (because why not?) has to perform a bimanual exam on her, she orgasms on his gloved fingers.
What in the actual world?
So when the TikTok revealed the smut was from Darling Venom by Parker S. Huntington, I knew I had to report back to my readers whether this book was “all that.” And uh… this might be a first in “Enemies to Readers” history. Because I’m about to tell you about a book that was sort of bad. In a good way? I guess it’s up to you, reader, to decide.
The book opens with our protagonist, Charlotte Richards (name twinzies!), who reveals her plan to commit suicide to the readers. She aims to end her life by jumping off her school’s roof. But, when she arrives, she sees there’s already someone there— a boy named Kellan Marchetti, the school “freak.” Charlotte convinces Kellan not to commit suicide and instead, coaxes him into an agreement– every year on Valentine’s Day, they’ll meet on the same roof where they met. We follow their roof meetings for four more years. Charlotte doesn’t show up on their fourth meeting year because she and Kellan got into a fight the week before. But, when she finally caves and arrives at their spot, seeking forgiveness, Kellan has done the unthinkable— he committed suicide.
Okay, so… this threw me. I didn’t realize that this smutty TikTok clip led to… death. And these four roof meetings lasted one hundred pages. It wasn’t a quick couple of chapters, it was one hundred pages! But I’m loyal to my readers so I continued reading. I also wanted to reach the infamous doctor/patient smut scene that TikTok told me existed… somewhere within the seven hundred pages of this novel.
The first chapter in the present is Charlotte, now a literary agent, approaching her boss’s very busy OG/GYN about an appointment. When Charlotte barges her way into the doctor’s office after his receptionist warns her specifically not to, she finds… well… how do I say this? He’s “balls deep” (his words, not mine) in a blonde woman named Allison. When Charlotte opens the door, instead of stopping his sexual escapades, he stares her dead in the eye and… ejaculates.
Can you tell I hate this book, yet?
Since this was their first interaction, I was expecting the smut in this book to outweigh the crazy plot. I was wrong. In the entirety of this novel, all seven hundred pages, there were three sex scenes. That’s it. I’ve read shorter books with exponentially more sex (see A Good Pucking Read) and much better plots. So with no redeeming qualities, I barely made it to the end of this book with all my brain cells intact. Even the third-act breakup was flimsy, at best.
The author, Parker S. Huntington, attempts to deal with the after-effects of grief by exploring the relationship of the OB/GYN, Tate Marchetti, Kellan’s older brother, and Charlotte. But their relationship is a train wreck. Not only are they fifteen years apart, but they’re the clinical definition of “trauma-bonded.” Furthermore, Charlotte has her own traumatic backstory— she burned her family’s house down, killed her parents, and irrevocably scared her older sister’s, Leah, face. Leah treats Charlotte like dogshit even though Charlotte didn’t mean to burn her house down. I mean, who means to burn their house down and kill their parents? But the point still stands. Leah treats Charlotte like a rat that lives in her pipes— a pest she’s tried to get rid of but, after several failed attempts at termination, she turns to ignorance instead.
I’m sad to say that on the “Enemies to Readers” Sex-O-Meter, this scores a one out of five. There were three sex scenes in the seven hundred pages I forced myself to read. And one of these scenes I read on TikTok. That doesn’t feel proportionate.
Only read this book if you enjoy eye torture or mediocre smut scenes. TikTok smut failed me and my readers. Hopefully, I get back on track with my regular smut reading soon because I’ve been disheartened by the horrible sex in Darling Venom.
See you next read,
Charlotte
Photograph: Pinterest