Living

When you’re a kid, you don’t know that you’re different—people have to tell you. And I was told over, and over, and over.

I would often feel guilty for desiring alone time and not wanting to spend all my time with friends or family; however, I really was just unaware that my social battery was worn out.

That pesky habit of greed that parents strive to eliminate from their children’s behavior has started to manifest in adult behavior as well; it is known as “gatekeeping.” 

Desperate to become one of the pack, I sought out the school’s “it-girl” and made it my mission to befriend her. Or become her.

We would always feel left out and wonder what we were doing wrong, why couldn’t we make friends?

Recently I’ve become aware of another guest sitting beside procrastination at my table: self-sabotage.

But how had I gone seventeen years without any of the adults in my life noticing symptoms?

They fail to realize the anger and resentment of their 10-year-old not wanting to talk to them is in fact–and stay with me here–their own fault.

I had my first kiss alongside Lady Bird and Rory Gilmore, smoked and drank with the cast of Freaks and Geeks, and ran away with the love of my life in Moonrise Kingdom.