*Names in this article have been changed for the privacy of others*

I’ll never forget the first time I saw my very first boyfriend, “A.” We were in junior history class. Although he was new to the school and I did not know anything about him, the first thought that entered my mind was, “I’m going to marry that guy.” Shocking, I know. What can I say? I love love. About six months later, we started dating—an accomplishment I did not think would happen with my awful form of flirting, which consisted of admiring him from afar for most of those six months.

After a string of bad apples, I had somehow managed to find someone who cared for me deeply. I couldn’t help but wonder if this guy really was the right one.

In 2019, my brother and sister got married to their long-term partners. Naturally, I was part of these weddings, and so was A. At this point in time, we’d been dating for about two years, and we often talked about our future together. The M-word came up often. When he told me that he eventually wanted to marry me, I couldn’t have been more thrilled. In fact, on the night of my brother’s wedding, after I’d just caught the bouquet, I remember telling my sister I couldn’t wait to get married soon. She looked at me like I was crazy, but I just shrugged it off. I wanted to be married like her, dammnit! After attending two weddings full of love and excitement, I couldn’t stop imagining myself in a flowing white gown next to A at the altar. I just knew he was the one, and within a few years, I’d be married just like my siblings. 

Well, he wasn’t the one. And, newsflash, I’m as single as ever. No ring on this finger. A and I eventually broke up, and I attempted to move on. I told myself I was not going to get into anything serious too fast, but of course, I found myself in another long-term relationship with “T.” Although I told myself I was going to take things slow and live more in the present, I constantly found myself thinking about marriage again. It’s not like T was against marriage, but oftentimes when I brought it up, he clammed up as he had never thought about this idea before. It hurt that he hadn’t dreamed about our future as I had, but I tried to understand. Some people see fear when they daydream. The future is unknown and scary. I happen to find a lot of comfort in it. To me, the future is a way to escape and cope with life. T and I eventually broke up as well, but we still talk all the time. He’s my best friend, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish he was the one—that’s a whole different story.  But after we recently ended things off, I started to examine the way I viewed relationships. 

To me, a relationship was supposed to end in marriage. I think this thought process comes from two of my siblings finding their partners very young, marrying, and settling down all before the age of 25 (big shoutout to my oldest brother Michael for not following this same path. You and Suzie are giving me hope). You spend time with someone that you see a future with. Why else would you commit to each other? I’m creeping up on 22 and am nowhere close to finding someone. And that’s okay. In fact, I’m trying really hard not to pursue a relationship with any sort of goal in mind except peace. 

I’ve been under too much pressure on my search for companionship to lock down a man and get a ring. I believe my relationships have failed due to the pressure I put on myself and my partner. I even had a conversation with my sister about it this summer in which I sobbed in a coffee shop and told her how I was tired of feeling like I had to stick to a similar path as my siblings. Because I don’t, and I haven’t. Love looks different for everyone, and that means the journey to find it looks different for everyone, despite the patterns in my family.

And, in all seriousness, I am not ready. I graduate in a month and don’t have a job lined up. I don’t even fully understand what it means to be independent. I can’t even answer the door when I’m home alone, let alone know how to be a good lifelong partner for someone. I’m not sure how I was so confident only three years ago that I was ready to get married. 

Moving forward, I am going to focus on personal happiness in the present instead of future happiness with someone else. If I find someone that I can be with that makes me happy and wants to be with me, sure, let’s give it a shot. I’ll just create a new dating narrative. Instead of wondering, “Will he pop the question if…” I think I will start wondering, “Will I be happy if....” After all, I have to be happy with who I’m with for that to even lead to a lifelong partnership. Just the thought of being with someone for life is so meaningful for me. After seeing my brothers and sister find the loves of their lives, I am confident I will find my person one day. It will just take some time and less personal pestering about the M-word. I’m excited to see how this new philosophy will enhance relationships with others, but also with myself. Constantly stressing about meeting people’s expectations is no way to live. From now on, I’m focused on my personal goals, starting with my career, family, and happiness.