How To Establish Boundaries

Every Friday of the new month, I mark down the letter “P”. 

This “P” stands for ‘my personal day to myself,’ when I either catch up on my favorite shows, read a book, or just relax in my bed while scrolling through my phone. I got the idea from Rihanna’s interview with Interview Magazine where she said, despite how busy she gets, she marks a “P” on her calendar to dedicate a day where she can simply take a break. 

I started establishing “P” days in my routine not just so I could relax after a long week of school and work—but so I can be alone. My alone time allows me to focus on myself and nothing else. So, when that Friday comes, it becomes my day to claim.

Establishing personal days has made me rethink how I need to establish boundaries to get the alone time I need. However, that’s much easier said than done. 

Saying “hey, I kind of want to be alone today,” sounds like a reasonable request. There may be no special reason to it other than a desire for personal solitude—unless it’s taken the wrong way. Others may perceive this request as something being wrong with them, or they may assume that there’s something serious going on. It sounds ridiculous on paper, but the truth is that, human nature makes us project our inner emotions and perceptions onto someone else. And unless we look outside of ourselves, we may internally conceptualize boundaries as a negative practice. 

Personally, there are days when I don’t want people to touch me, moments when I don’t want to talk, and social situations that I don’t want to be present in. Coming to college made me realize how much of myself I tend to overexert every day in my social, work, and academic life. I slowly began to realize that while I was out and about doing all of these things with other people, I felt drained emotionally, mentally, and socially. 

So, “P” days became part of my daily practice. But, in order for me to successfully complete my “P” day, I had to learn how to establish mental and physical boundaries within myself and others. It wasn’t only desirable but necessary so that I could be my whole self. 

Sophomore Marketing Communications major Skylar Figaro says establishing boundaries for herself is a form of self-care. She emphasizes that doing activities by herself— such as going for a walk, listening to music, or writing— are all things she incorporates into her routine to decompress. 

“It just makes me feel like I have control,” she says. “When you feel like you don’t have any control, taking time to yourself helps you feel better.” 

However, Figaro expresses how difficult this can be when you have people relying on you.  

“Sometimes it sucks to have to tell people that you need space,” she explains. “I usually feel honored that they would come to me but sometimes it feels tiring. Especially when you’re the ‘close friend’ to all your close friends.” 

Art by Natasha Arnowitz

The emotional toll of constantly being there for others is a difficult expectation to sustain—especially when it comes to a point when you can no longer handle it all yourself. Figaro says that making others conscious of when you get overwhelmed is difficult to communicate because of how much we care about our friends and their needs. 

“At times I feel like I can’t differentiate whether I’m feeling something myself or if I’m feeling what they’re feeling,” she says.

Whenever a new week approaches, I predict whether or not I’ll get to indulge in my personal days. I’ll try to establish some space between myself and others so I can at least feel at ease with myself, but sometimes my anxiety rushes back in. This is usually when I tell myself that I can’t let up. At the end of the day, I’m a daughter, a sister, a college student, a friend, and a coworker— and I’m still responsible to keep those roles together even if I’m falling apart. However, there are ways though to maintain your boundaries even when you can’t dedicate a full day to yourself. 

Instead of isolating myself and numbing out my emotions when I get anxious or stressed, I’ve employed more “I” statements to communicate what my boundaries are and how I wish to set them into place. “I” statements are exactly what they sound like. They are sentences that start off with “I” followed by a clear expression of emotions or needs. This form of communication is highly beneficial because it allows the listener to focus on the speaker’s thoughts without feeling any blame is placed on them. Starting off conversations with “I feel…”, “I need…”, or “I will…” is an effective skill for not only establishing boundaries but for conflict-resolutions. 

My therapist recommended this to me after feeling overwhelmed by how little time and agency I had given to my own mind and body. Using “I” statements helps to minimize the blame or confusion people will often feel if you communicate that you need to take time to yourself. Admittedly, it did feel awkward in the beginning, but using these statements has allowed the people around me to be more mindful of my headspace and my personal needs.  

In the end, you can’t help how other people will react if they’re not able to be receptive to your personal needs. The only thing that you can control is yourself. Knowing that your boundaries are valid, no matter how others might take it, is vital. For me, seeing an array of marked “P” days comes from an honest place that doesn’t warrant any explanation— other than the fact that it’s my own day to claim.