An Unconventional Outfit Guide
Articles on what to wear to events like weddings, first dates, and job interviews are a dime a dozen. But what about everyday events? Where are the guides for those? Well, fortunately, Your Mag is here to fill that void. What to Wear to Pick Up a Couch from Someone on Craigslist, Whom Through Stalking on Facebook You Found is Really Attractive
Emerson Free & For Sale failed you, so you’ve found yourself on Craigslist scouring for an affordable couch for your apartment. And good news! You’ve looked up a potential seller on Facebook (to see if they look like a serial killer, of course) and they’re a total babe. Now there’s no way that you’ll wear your ratty gym clothes to go over to their place. But you also don’t want to wear your Sunday best (you are going to be moving furniture, after all). Compromise: athleisure. Break out those sleek sweatpants that make your booty sing. Top it off with that stylish, overpriced sweatshirt you bought from Urban Outfitters. On your feet—Nike Airs, naturally. Now you’re ready to score that couch, and maybe something a little extra. As they say: another person’s trash, an opportunity to smash, right?
What to Wear to CVS to Pick Up UTI Medication Knowing That You’ll See At Least Three Peers
UTIs happen to the best of us, and they’re nothing to be ashamed of. That being said, sometimes you just don’t want people knowing the sitch with your snatch. Your crotch is throbbing and you need to go to CVS to pick up some medication pronto. But more likely than not you’re bound to see at least three people you know. Realistically no one is even going to see the box of Azo Urinary Pain Relief in your hand, yet you and your throbbing groin want to be as inconspicuous as possible. And you also don’t want anything tight rubbing up on you. Try a black flowy dress with your most comfortable pair of underwear (your crotch needs to breathe!). Hell, go full on Coven and pair your dress with a floppy black hat and black boots. You’ll look so spooky that no one will want to approach you! Is that a witch floating through the aisles of CVS? No, it’s just you, picking up your magical UTI potion.
What to Wear When You Have a Four Hour Night Class and Know You’ll End Up at the Tam Afterward
Four hours have the tendency to lead to whiskey sours, so it’s best to plan ahead. Yet, it’s hard to pinpoint an outfit that says “I’m here to learn, yet I lack a moral compass.” Your best bet is a pair of jeans comfortable enough to sit in for a long period of time, and that you don’t mind getting some questionable spills on. Same goes for your top—unless you want one of your dry-clean only shirts reeking of beer and cigarette smoke. And fancy shoes are a no-no, unless you like trashing nice things. Then go ahead!
You also have to keep temperature in mind. The Tam and Emerson classrooms are similar in a couple of ways: one, both are filled with Emerson students, and two, the temperature in each is unpredictable. That being said, bring a cardigan or sweatshirt that you can easily put on or take off. This is not clothing related, but the most important thing is to make sure to bring a snack—going from a long class to the Tam requires proper fuel.
What to Wear to Your Grandma’s Birthday Brunch The Morning After a One Night Stand
You go out the Saturday night before your grandma’s 85th birthday brunch. You tell yourself that you’ll only have one or two drinks and head home early. And yet, you lock eyes with someone from across the room. And oops! You end up hooking up. As much as you love Grandma Edie, you don’t want her knowing about your deviant ways. What you wear depends on where you hooked up. Did it happen at their place or yours? If you’re at your place then call your new friend an Uber and hop in your shower to wash the sin off. Wear something nice, obviously, but nothing too prim and proper. Anything too precious will seem like a flat out lie—Grandma Edie may suspect you’re hiding something.
But if you slept over at theirs, there are some logistical hurdles you need to jump. Is their place close to yours, meaning you can go home quickly and change? What time did you wake up (or what time did you stop having morning sex?), and how long will it take to get to the restaurant? If there’s no way for you to change/shower in time, then as a last resort call and tell Granny that you’re sick and can’t make it. Better that than rolling up to brunch in your dirty party clothes smelling like sex and Svedka. Send her an Edible Arrangement as an apology—everyone loves those.
Photograph by Caitlin Stassa.