photograph: PInterest

You know when people say that you don’t want to die with regrets? Well, I’m dying with regrets.

For a good chunk of my life, I thought staying in my comfort zone and following the rules were going to keep me safe. Safe? Yes. Happy? No. It wasn’t until recently that I said “fuck my comfort zone, what do I have to lose? Although past me would’ve answered “everything” to that question. However, I’ve learned that the worst-case scenario sometimes isn’t always the worst. It may seem like it’s the worst but once you are going through it and sitting through the emotions, it’s not as bad as you imagined. Also, I wouldn’t have “everything” to lose, a hit to my ego? Yes. “Everything?” Nope, not even close to it.

Thinking about what kept me in my comfort zone boiled down to two things: caring about other people’s opinions about myself and not wanting to let others down. I guess they go hand-in-hand but these two things always had me putting other people first instead of myself. This habit had me not standing up for myself, making myself small, and making choices based on what it would make other people think of me. Living through this belief that I needed other people’s validation drained me and fueled my anxiety. I’d always be so caught up in trying to maintain this perfect image of myself to others that I never stopped to ask myself why their opinions matter.

Had they given me a reason to believe that their opinions mattered? Did I owe anything to these people? They didn’t feed me, clothe me, pay for my things, and they certainly weren’t my friends. So why did I care?

For a while, I couldn’t think of a solid answer other than, it just did. However, I am at a point in my life where I have learned to prioritize my wants, needs, and boundaries. Learning how to do these things has taught me that what other people think of me isn’t my business. I know it may feel like it’s my business because it’s about me, but unless it’s actively harming someone I’m choosing to stay out of it. Those are their opinions and everyone is entitled to them. Just because they think something doesn’t make them true. Plus, is their opinion going to stop me from living my life? Nope. I’ve learned that making other's business my business when it’s not warranted doesn’t benefit anyone.

Now that I’ve learned to mind my own business, my comfort zone feels like a hurdle that I have to keep jumping in order to see how far I can go. I want to be comfortably uncomfortable. I used to be restless inside my comfort zone–I would begin to daydream about the potential of what I could be. But being comfortably uncomfortable means that, while I might be uncomfortable at the moment, I’ll find comfort in trying new things.

The process of getting here wasn’t as easy as it seems by all means, not caring about other people’s opinions about yourself is easier said than done. This was a hard habit to break and I’m still working on it but it gets easier the more you try to put yourself first. I had taken a lot of time building confidence in myself and reassuring myself that my opinion was what mattered most. Once you stop caring about other's opinions, you become aware that what you have to lose isn’t a loss. What I mean by that is if it’s meant for you, you can’t mess it up. This also reminds me of the saying “rejection is redirection.” This phrase used to frustrate me until I realized that sometimes the universe has bigger things in store for you and in order to receive it you have to face rejection first.

I may die with regrets but I will not be adding to that list from now on.

I’m proud of you,

Reese

That's Embarrassing...

photograph: PInterest