photograph: Pinterest

I have a confession… I used to be a doormat.

Well, sometimes, I’m still a doormat. I have the hardest time saying no to people and it used to be even worse. I’ve always hinted at boundaries in my writing but now it’s time to hit it head on. I’ve said before that I put others in front of me because I wanted people to like me, but it also comes from a place where I believed that if I gave people what they wanted then I wouldn’t have to deal with a confrontation if I said no.

I used to be uncomfortable with confrontations because I felt like I was hurting someone’s feelings because of some minor inconveniences. However, those minor inconveniences were my boundaries. I feel like a fear of conflict is a normal thing because we have all been taught to obey. In school, we listen to the teachers, at home, we listen to our parents, and at work, we listen to supervisors.

If we said no, we’d be considered “selfish” and “rude.” But what about not obeying makes us “selfish” and “rude?” Of course, people do things for selfish or rude reasons but we’re thinking in the context of personal boundaries. Just because someone can do something doesn’t mean they should. An issue I have is thinking that if I don’t have a physical reason to say no, I can’t say no. But even if I didn’t have a physical reason to say no, I could still say no if I felt like it.

It’s easy for people to say that you are this and that when you say no because you are not doing what they want. Someone who respects your boundaries wouldn’t make you feel bad for saying no. I get not wanting to let others down, but what about you? Aren’t you letting yourself down when you say no to yourself, and yes to others?

There was a time when I didn’t want to let people down all the time so I always said yes to others. Each time I said yes when I didn’t want to, it made me even more angry with myself. I knew I didn’t want to do something and yet I’d make myself do it.

Respect your boundaries because it’s not disrespectful.

Saying no is hard at first but like with everything else, it gets easier with practice. Something I started doing is not thinking about excuses to give with my no. If I wanted to say “no” I’d always try and think of reasons to say no like “I can’t because…” I stopped myself from thinking about reasons and excuses because:

“No” is a complete sentence.

I know that the word no is strong so it feels daunting to use so here when I say instead sometimes.

“Maybe.”

It’s not a yes, so it might as well be a no.

“I’ll think about it.”

Gives you some time to work up the courage to say no.

“I can’t.”

Simple.

“I’m busy.”

Yes, you are busy putting yourself first.

Another tip: When you know you want to say no, say no! Don’t give yourself time to think about why you should say yes. You already don’t want to, don’t make yourself.

Remember you matter most, so treat yourself like it. The right people will not make you feel bad for saying no. Your boundaries keep you safe, so respect them.

Until next week,

Reese

Um Sure, I Guess

photograph: Pinterest