The Law of Detachment is Ruining My Relationship
The Law of Detachment is Ruining My Relationship
written by molly peay
photographed by birdie nelson
Like many hopeful romantics, my guilty pleasures include: my favorite rom-com, coffee or tea, a sexy lingerie set (typically under unassuming clothing), a good snack—oh and anything that may possibly bring my romantic inclinations to life. This so happened to be: the Law of Detachment.
If you are unfamiliar with this manifestation technique, let me run it down for you. According to one of the many sides of social media, the Law of Detachment is a principle where detaching attracts what you want; if I could release my desire to be in a romantic relationship—to have a partner—and become okay with being alone, only then would that relationship come to fruition. I took this on the chin.
So, for five years, I slowly loosened the ties. Yard by yard, the distance encroached between me and the romance I yearned for, a relationship becoming a possibility I considered less and less viable. I would joke: If I just have chocolate, vibrators, and romance books, I’ll be set for life! Now, five years later, I have met someone. Our love developed like the romance books I’ve consumed. Meet-cute and all. However, a separation permeates the space between my partner and me.
I had an anxiety attack not too long ago. He saw me in the midst of it. But I left, saying I just had to use the restroom, unsure how to let him in, scared that letting him in would show him how much I wanted—needed—him. I found him after my anxiety settled.
“You looked like a deer in headlights.”
“I promise, I’m okay.”
“Honey.”
“I’m fine.”
He reached for me. A quiet reassurance. Something he often does when I am scared, sad or as a reminder of the love we share. And, sometimes, I pull away. I am not used to his steady sureness. It often leaves confusion that creates creases in our unfolding relationship. Or, more simply, I am scared he is going to disappear, and my impulse is to pull away—to detach—so he may remain attracted to me. I know it is not healthy or true. Yet, this confusion, this fear, is sloth to unfasten its grip on my mind.
My therapist reminded me recently that attachment is natural. Attachment is good. In a highly individualistic society and the TikTok-manifestation-epidemic that preaches hyper-independence, my brain often refuses to compute this new information. If I allow myself to attach to another human being—the one I want—doesn’t that mean they will no longer want me? In the same vein, wouldn’t their detachment cause my subsequent attachment? The Law of Detachment would say yes. However, aren’t the purposes of a relationship—connection, love, and a secure base—factors of a healthy attachment? The answer is also yes.
When I asked my therapist these questions, she mentioned I should read Attached by Amir Levine, MD and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. They break down different attachment systems: secure, anxious, and avoidant. The avoidant type is described as desiring intimacy but getting overwhelmed by it, pulling away to protect their independence—the self-sufficiency mindset impeding attachment, and usually realized as an issue after the relationship fails. This quick synthesis does not fully encompass the scope of an avoidant attachment system, though it is in alignment with the Law of Detachment. Both frameworks promote self-sufficiency: the avoidant attachment defensively, the Law of Detachment intentionally. In either case, the focus on independence can cause emotional distance through withholding affection or vulnerability to maintain control or due to fear of wanting someone too much.
My partner has a primarily secure attachment system. I tend to be more anxious. And due to absorbing media aimed at detachment, I have several avoidant behaviors, which include sometimes getting scared and having the urge to pull away when things are more emotionally close—learning triggers and where they come from is key to healing these tendencies.
Over the past month, I’ve come to recognize how severe this issue is. I am in constant awareness to keep my heart open and stop contracting my heart from fear. Feeling my emotions for five minutes is way healthier and better for myself and our relationship. And, as time progresses, it becomes easier to communicate my struggles sooner.
“Honey, what is going on?”
“My brain is having a hard time processing everything.”
“Do you want a hug?”
“Yes.”
I am slowly relaxing into the reliability of his love. The dependability, patience, communication, honesty, consistency, and affection. It is, though, the choice to not let fear interfere with our relationship and my love for him, that has helped cultivate the grounds for a healthy attachment—we are individuals who choose to share a life and whose relationship provides a secure base to explore oneself and life.
The Law of Detachment’s dilemma is: What do you do when you are with the one you want? The true answer is to love them. We may never know how long someone will be in our lives, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t love them like they are forever. Deciding to disengage with detachment is unfamiliar and, occasionally, trying. Yet, ever the hopeful romantic, I understand that only by stepping out of fear’s shadow can a meaningful relationship unfold.