Query for Queers

Query For Queers: Have WE All F*Cked Our Friends?

Written By Brooke Harrison

Photographed by KJ HalPERN

I know that the phrase “incestual friend groups” is kind of disgusting, but it helps to paint a picture of the groups we know all too well.

While it’s not uncommon for non-queer friend groups to also fuck each other, it does (from my experience) happen at an insane rate in queer ones. We can go from a kiki to a kiss kiss at such a natural yet rapid pace that it can be hard to keep up with who’s been with who.

This isn’t to shame, it's to illuminate a common theme that I see happen in our community. I want to discuss all the possibilities and reasons that lead to the stereotype of queer circles homie-hopping left and right. 

I am no stranger to sleeping with my friends nor am I immune to crushing on them. When I was first exploring my queer sexuality it was girl friends of mine that made me feel comfortable exploring it with them. They were never weird about me asking questions or taking my time (I still take my time, FYI) and I have also been some of my friends' first experiences and served as a guide for them too (with pleasure). It felt very natural and safe knowing I was exploring this part of myself with someone I knew cared for me, and I for them. Experiencing it all with friends at the beginning made sex really beautiful and special, it gave me more confidence in my identity and in having queer sex in general.

There’s a reason that friends-with-benefits-to-lovers and friends-to-lovers are popular tropes. When you have that comfortability with someone who you’re not only connected with by choice, but bonded forever with because of shared community; it makes sense that the physical chemistry could match in that intensity. 

Having a crush on a friend can be scary, though, especially for someone like me who has never had a real queer romantic relationship. I do believe that queer relationships do usually have instant understanding of each other, and in a romantic setting can tend to move very quickly because of that. For someone who is (a little) avoidant, it can be easier for me to transfer those feelings towards something more physical than emotional, hence the friends with benefits begins. 

The argument could be made that “incestual” queer friend groups can happen out of necessity or forced proximity because we tend to stick closely with fellow queers near us for safety, understanding, and community. Also, due to safety concerns, many of us cannot afford to approach someone randomly to ask them out; it makes sense that we develop feelings, romantic and/or sexual, for those we don’t need to have a guard up around, which would be our friends.

To give this idea some perspective, we must understand the historical context that gay marriage was only legalized universally in the states in 2015. For most of queer existence, the possibility of being granted the privilege of our love being recognized and accepted under law was just a fairytale. The community was not prioritized to be shown love or even humanity, so medically eroded throughout the ’80s that when we see old queer couples or just old queer people we get emotional and can’t believe our eyes. This is all to say that the stereotypes of the queer community being overtly promiscuous, sexually adventurous, and having non-traditional/non-monogamous relationships can be attributed to the fact that the community created lemonade out of lemons and made, shared, and felt love in all the ways they felt they actually could. 

The reason this topic struck a chord with me is because over the years I’ve been trying to make the conscious decision to not fuck (or do anything romantic or sexual with) queer people that I want to be my friend, am becoming friends with, or is currently my friend (or friends of friends, but I do fear that ship has sunk a little already). The experiences I had when I was first exploring queer sex were amazing, but after those few instances I quickly got into the habit of blurring the lines of friend and fling when it came to my relationships with queer Assigned Female At Birth (AFAB) people. In most cases it was either dulling the friendships and I would start to view them more as a hookup then a friend, or I would start to develop feelings then distance myself to not ruin the friendship. 

Now clearly that is not a long-lasting nor healthy pattern, so in recognizing that I try to focus on who I truly see as a real potential friend and who I see as a new potential partner that I get along well with.

Have there been people that I'm friendly with that I have ended up getting with or want to get with? Well, duh, I’m human, and double duh, it’s easier to flirt with people you already mesh with. What matters to me more now is trying to be intentional with the flirting and the fucking, and perhaps toeing that line instead of crossing it. 

To fuck or to not fuck your friends has been the question. And the real answer is everything in moderation and as long as you're communicating and everyone involved is comfortable, it doesn’t matter what an outsider thinks (This is not enabling you to fuck your friend group up via orgy or any other mischievous things y’all might be thinking).