Polyamory: Real Relationships Turned Fiction

“Have you ever had a threesome?” Hilary Duff asks a young Penn Badgley during her guest appearance on Gossip Girl. The year is 2009, made clear by Jessica Szohr’s tacky blue feather earrings and Duff’s character downing a drink before gaudily making out with her to the pleasant surprise of Dan Humphrey.

Threesomes: a staple of sexual experimentation, the word assumed to precede a story about college coming of age or questioning of “how do you know unless you’ve tried it?” from a partner. What was once regarded as a salacious tradition is finally becoming a culturally accepted lifestyle as more are exposed to the concept of polyamory. Polyamory is defined as consensual and ethical non-monogamy, though the practice itself can take on various forms. The media’s role in its portrayal is crucial as the majority if not all, of the exposure a person has to polyamory is often the entertainment they consume. Dubbed the new frontier of dating, an estimated 4% of the US population admits to practicing polyamory with fewer publicly out and willing to share their experience. Ten years ago, the representation of polyamory in media was limited to schoolgirl Denise Richards kissing Neve Campbell in front of their perverted male teacher in Wild Things or Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona, where star Scarlet Johansson claimed she was “...kind of being groomed to be this bombshell-type actor.” However, these examples of representation did less for the polyamorous community and more for the further objectification of women.

While the sexual relationship between women in non-monogamous situations is considered a given, two men even acknowledging each other is forbidden. The duality of bisexuality in the context of gender raises another point of debate. The queerness of women in these situations is completely erased as their actions are considered temporary in order to please the man. In contrast, any form of non-heterosexuality between men is deemed overtly homosexual. Sitcom How I Met Your Mother references “the devil’s threeway” when quoting the “Bro Code” in which Barney Stinson rules that “bros cannot make eye contact”, while Sex in The City labels male bisexuality as a “layover on the way to Gaytown.” The assumption is that the receiver of pleasure is always the man. Women wielding desire was just as implausible as men vulnerable with their sexuality. Polyamory was not represented as a healthy practice nor a long-term relationship possibility, but rather a performance of masculinity enhanced by the sexualization of queer women.

Early polyamorous representations lacked any form of relationship beyond sexual. They were superficial examples without emotional weight manipulated as a spectacle of the taboo. Any divulging from the norm was few and far between. Alfonso Cuarón’s Y Tu Mamá También featured two questioning men, though exploring this ended their friendship and their threesome acted as more of an allegory for transformation than a serious endeavor. The Dreamers offset their representation with the uncomfortable inclusion of incest, while reality television shows like Sister Wives profited off of creating a pageant of the absurd rather than respect. Famous for its queer depiction and infamous for its sex scenes, the Spanish Netflix series Élite made the first major stride in serious polyamory representation in 2018 with the frenzy over the relationship between their three main characters Carla, Polo, and Christian. Carla and Polo bring in a new boy, Christian, in an attempt to salvage their dying relationship. Given the core of the show, sexual themes were still heavy but unlike their predecessors, not only did Élite incorporate two queer men with the woman in control, but made them an enduring integral plot component. “We’re together, the three of us,” Polo affirmed, “It’s not just about getting laid. There’s more to it than that. I guess it’s not exactly normal, but who cares about normal if you can be happy?” Élite not only acted as a catalyst for the rapid increase in polyamorous inclusion but also introduced a consumable blueprint for teen television.

Since its release, Beatrix, Riven, and Dane in Fate: The Winx Saga found themselves in a “throuple” with blood on their hands while Joe and Love in You attempt “swinging” to mend their relationship with the same outcome. When asked what examples of polyamory featured in teen dramas have in common, it is not ethical practices of non-monogamy but sex and murder. Although representation increased, their construction is strict and parallel to what constitutes a sellable show. This false perception packages a highly digestible yet tired plot in a bow: an attractive couple has a failing relationship and introduces others to try to fix it which ends in disaster. Polyamory became a cheat code for the taboo–a new enough concept that the act is still raunchy but not too explicit that it cannot be displayed on teen television with tension built in the dynamic. The drama is dependent on the assumption that polyamorous relationships are preordained for strain, constructed on unstable ground.

Although polyamorous relationships possess more moving factors than heteronormative monogamous relationships, they do not always end in a messy breakup or heat-of-the-moment murder, and the media is beginning to recognize this. HBO Max’s Gossip Girl reboot follows protagonist Max Wolfe as he falls for his two best friends Aki and Audrey. The existence of their dynamic is not under the guise of “sex sells” nor is their driving force the stereotypical conflict of jealousy, but rather an emotional connection to multiple people and grappling with that, which culminates into a healthy relationship. “All for all or none for none, right?” Max Wolfe asks while holding out his hands to both Aki and Audrey, accepting their proposal of an official relationship. Though the slow beats of the background track lay out a formulaic transition to sex, the night does not end in a threesome, but rather all three sitting together watching cartoons.

Your MagazineMarch 9, 2023