Dating To Marry, Or F*cking To Date?

I recently had the chance to meet a couple of different men for a romantic rendezvous, resulting in about the same plot each time. We text and decide on a coffee shop, then I go to said coffee shop and waste my hard-earned money on an expensive iced matcha latte. We walk around Beacon Hill or Newbury Street and peek through the windows as we chat about nothing below the surface. Then we part ways, only for me to sit in my apartment and question why I even try putting myself out there. If it is not clear already, I am not a huge fan of casual dates.

What is it about dates that makes me so red with rage? Is it the small talk with strangers that makes my shoulders turn a bruised violet from the weight of carrying the conversation? Is it the fact that I feel the need to survey every person I meet and test them to see if they will fit the position of boyfriend? Or maybe it could be that it feels like a falsification of what a romantic relationship should be: An inherent comfort and intimacy that no other relationship—platonic or romantic—has. Regardless, the bottom line is that these casual moments make me want to scream.

After my last date, I felt an unbelievable sense of ennui sink into my system as I slumped on my leather couch. All things considered, everything went well. We talked about aspirations and shared feelings that lined up like constellations. He was handsome, smart, ambitious, and even taller than me! What was there not to like? As I watched colorful pictures flash across my TV, it hit me. There was nothing wrong with the guy. I was just exhausted from having to perform throughout the date. When a person lacks that intimacy in a relationship, it is difficult to avoid showering the other person with only their best qualities and stories. Going on a first date is like singing in a cabaret; You only want to highlight the songs and scenes from your repertoire that showcase your strong suits. And sure, it is important to perform a little when meeting another person so that they like you. It is only human nature to want to be liked. But really, who wants to build a relationship on the lie of their own perfections? I don’t!

So often, many of us feel like it would be easier to date a friend. When a person has that rapport with a friend already, it is much easier to spend time together. If they’re your friend, they already know you’re imperfect and like you just the same. Additionally, you have established solid levels of trust. What could go wrong? For most of us, it is quite difficult to find someone in our lives who is both our type and attracted to us. For me, it feels like an uncomfortable boundary to break. If I broke up with someone who was my friend, navigating mutuals could be difficult. So are there any safe ways to build a relationship with someone new?

While this scenario might seem a bit progressive, I would much rather have sex on a first date and build our relationship from there. Really, it isn’t that far-fetched. Sexual compatibility can make or break a relationship for those who feel sexual attraction. I can name a number of great loves I have had which bloomed from raw sexual passion. In one relationship, we hooked up for months, our bodies intertwined like vines atop bricks. And atop our relations were sincere conversations about my hopes for the future rather than if I “liked my classes.” Each time we laid together, I found it easier to talk about my deepest thoughts, feelings, and dreams. And the more we continued, the more I found that I wanted more late nights with him because I could feel my bare emotions caressing our bare bodies. When people have sex, they offer a part of themselves that so few others get to see. Sex is honest. Although a person can roleplay, sexual frustration and pleasure cannot be masked by desire for perfection or the image of a perfect self. When I finally do share that hidden side, I find that I cannot help but be myself around another person. I like to think that the feeling is universal.

However, my research has shown otherwise. A study published in The Journal of Sex Research, titled “Differing Relationship Outcomes When Sex Happens Before, On, or After First,” indicates sex occurring before or early on in a relationship to be negative in the long term. The study of 10,932 participants highlighted that couples who abstained from sex early on were more likely to last. While the article was published in The Journal of Sex Research, I noticed that it was done through the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University, a religious institution under the Church of Latter-Day Saints. Though the evidence is statistically backed, I find it difficult to believe that the study could have been unbiased.

Again and again, I think only of my best romantic experiences as having stemmed from the swiftly formed intimacy of sexual encounters. While this study might prove otherwise, it is important to note that sexuality is entirely personal and an individual preference. The coupling process of people is based on creating intimacy, and from my experiences, going on dates has never led to anything profound. Meanwhile, exploring my sexuality with partners has helped me to understand both them and our dynamic far more clearly. Maybe I’ll never love dating, even if abstaining from sex has proven to be more beneficial in other people’s relationships. Maybe sex is the answer. All I know right now is that establishing a sense of true intimacy through my hookups has bred longer-lasting and more meaningful romantic relationships, and I hope to explore this more in the near future.

Griffin WillnerMarch 8, 2024