Let's Talk About Gay Sex!

“Let’s talk about sex, baby! Let’s talk about you and me!” That’s what I was thinking the first time I had sex. As I laid in a dimly lit basement on a musty, brown couch, I remember watching the other person writhe in pain, making a face I could only describe as utterly unpleasant. Though we were attempting to make love, all we could feel was uncomfortable. It’s funny how little I knew about sex then.

In general, sex is a topic that is only discussed in brief, if at all. Though a major part of life, sex, is stigmatized to the point where it is only for seventh grade classrooms, high school students’ toilet humor, and saucy moms’ wine nights. We all know about it, but so few of us know how to do it in a way that feels satisfying for all parties involved. 

I would argue that sexual education should be required for all. Average courses in sex education have been shown to reduce rates of pregnancy and STIs, while abstinence-based lessons have shown the opposite, according to The Harvard Review’s “The Kids Could Be Alright.” I had the opportunity to chat with Jess Preleski, the Director of Education and Bethany Diaz, a health educator, from the Planned Parenthood of Metropolitan New Jersey on the topic. Both agreed there is a need for comprehensive sex education, even recommending that parents allow their children to be curious before the age of three. In providing a safe space with correct names for genitals, children can create positive associations and self-confidence. When speaking on the need for sex education, they argued, “Comprehensive sex ed is all about providing honest, accurate, and inclusive information. It’s also more than just anatomy and pregnancy prevention. It's about life skills. Sex education is about setting boundaries for healthy relationships, navigating consent, understanding identity, and creating healthy habits around things like internet use and self-care practices.” It is clear to young people in 2022 that sex education is a necessity, but so few understand the dire need for an education more comprehensive, more inclusive, and more gay!

Photo by Sadie Swayze

The LGBTQIA+ community has become an ever-growing presence in our society, yet in many ways, particularly in sex education, is severely underrepresented. A 2018 article by the Phi Delta Kappan estimated that nine out of ten individuals know someone who is gay or lesbian, while three out of ten know someone who is transgender. For me, I grew up gay in a fairly sex-positive environment in a town with an average sex ed program. I remember being surrounded by a sea of hyperactive middle schoolers and a jungle of cheap desks, staring at my awkward gym teacher attempting to say penis and vagina with a straight face. The animals in my class would roar with laughter as I wrote down each and every note while hoping to understand how I fit into this whole equation. Whenever the word “gay” was brought up, the only association made would be that of HIV and its subsequent progression to AIDS. These autoimmune diseases are absolutely important, but that terrified seventh grader would not be able to think about coming out the next year without imagining a gruesome death. Instead, I would turn to inaccurate pornography and short stories in hopes of a clearer understanding of my fate. It all looked so easy to the actors on my computer screen. They would say, “Let’s do it,” and off they would go into immediate penetrative sex. 

As I began exploring my hidden world with others, I quickly learned that anal sex for gay men is not everything. Soon, I would see that there are so many types of sex. On this idea, Preleski and Diaz also wrote that, “Some folks use hands and mouths to stimulate their partners, some folks don't like genital stimulation at all and prefer sensual touch of the rest of the body, some folks use toys and other tools to give and receive pleasure. All of these are beautiful and just as important and valid as penetrative sex.” Knowing this, it is important to understand that MLM (men-loving-men) sex often consists of anal sex, and with this comes preparation. Those who want to be penetrated should explore cleaning techniques, whether that be basic soaping or anal douching. If uncomfortable with this, try using hands and mouths instead! Similarly, queer women and those with vulvas (which includes the vagina, clitoris, and labias) may prefer oral sex, but toys and fingers are an option too. On all bodies, do not be afraid to explore areas from the nipples, to the lips, to the inner thighs, to the feet if that is your thing, as long as your practices are consensual! We should find no shame in the sheets.

A few recommendations about queer sex are far from enough. Not all schools require sex ed, and those that do speak about gay sex in overt briefness. Diaz wrote, “school districts can spend one day at the end of the year on a short ‘sperm and egg makes baby’ lesson and say they met the requirement for sex ed. This is unacceptable. We need decision-makers…to understand that an effective curriculum is one that is taught throughout the year and scaffolded upon previous years, meaning you start small in lower grades and build upon that knowledge in older grades.” In starting young, she argued that children may learn about basic themes of consent and sexuality, and move on to more challenging themes of sex and intimacy over time. Diaz ended stating, “Queerness isn't going anywhere, and you can't just make it go away by erasing these experiences in communal spaces. Education is a human right, and sex education is part of that. Everyone deserves access to accurate, nonjudgmental information that can help them lead healthy, fulfilling lives…[Queerness] should be celebrated, because queer love and queer sex and queer identities are beautiful.”