Like most women from a young age, I was expected to be a people pleaser by many people. Female-identifying individuals are positioned as caregivers by a patriarchal society. There’s no room to be selfish. I realized that while I wanted to think I had so much control over my life, especially my love life, I gave up that control to many men I dated and slept with. I would let them set the tone for the relationship and would in a way, follow accordingly. I thought I was flexible, just going with the flow. But, in all honesty, I was being a pushover. I wasn’t taking control of my actual desires.

I was in a relationship last year and a lot of that relationship was of convenience. I didn’t want a relationship but a guy I was seeing did and I thought, “fuck it, why not?”. I ended that relationship, after I realized how emotionally draining and time-consuming being in one can be. I spent most of the last summer, following the end of that relationship, really working on making myself a priority and becoming much more confident regarding what I want for sex, relationships, and my life. I know exactly what I want now, and I make sure to communicate it to my partners. This is not to say I have a five-year plan or anything, but I know that at this point in my life having a variety of partners that all bring different aspects and experiences is the best for me.

This assured attitude came from me truly reflecting on where I am in my life right now and from the relationships I’ve been in. I don’t have time for a relationship nor wish to make any time for someone exclusively. I want to have fun and have the freedom in my life to go after anyone and be pursued by anyone. This is also about making myself a priority. I want to get through college, learn, write, go out with friends whenever, get with whoever, graduate from college, and find a semi-stable job and a living arrangement I’m comfortable with. A relationship is the last thing on my list. I’m not in a place in my life where I can really love someone in an all-consuming way. I can’t give the love and time a relationship truly deserves right now.

I am fully prioritizing myself, and I’ve never been happier.

With my partners now, I’m very upfront with what I want; I tell them I’m not open to a serious relationship and that having other partners doesn’t affect me, because it doesn’t. One thing that people don’t tell you about when you start being upfront with what you want is that people won’t believe you. I’ve had both men and women get mad that I’m not prioritizing seeing or talking to them because they didn’t take me seriously when I said I’m not jealous and don’t want monogamy.

I recently had quite a lengthy conversation with a partner of mine about how everyone’s idea of casual is different and how the problem comes when it’s not communicated. I completely agreed and gave him my definition straight up and he was confused. He suggested that there is a sort of expiration date to casual relationships, that at some point you don’t want to see them again, or you start to only want to see them exclusively. I said I would not fall into the latter and I could tell that was not quite the news he wanted. I told him I mean everything I’m saying and that it’s something I know about myself. I told him I’m always upfront with what I want with someone now, so they can’t get upset since I told them honestly what my intentions were.

He seemed a little skeptical about my answers.

I believe a degree of that skepticism has to do with my womanhood. Historically, women aren’t seen as non-committal or expressive of their sexuality without shame. When I say to men, “I see you as someone to fuck and hang out with occasionally, but I want nothing more than that,” they don’t usually take me at my word. They think that I’m blatantly lying and want a relationship, that I’m not really sure what I want, or I want something purely sexual without any degree of friendship or respect. The last one rarely gets guessed, but none of those options are what I state explicitly to them. They don’t take my words seriously and most of the time it ends up with me ghosting them because they’re trying to make us something else.

I’ve had a partner say that he considered my going out with and sleeping with other people as a “turn-off.” I told him I wasn’t trying to make it a turn-on. Casual works for me so if you’re not comfortable with it, we’ll end it.

While not everyone takes what I’m saying as truth, I would say it dramatically changed the relationships and partners I have now. I tell them the first or second time we meet, and they can decide whether or not they’re okay with that. I now have partners in my life that I can talk with for hours, have sex with, and hang out with, without it heading toward anything monogamous.

What I’ve taken away from this introspection is that I now know myself and refuse to not put myself in the position to get exactly what I want. If that makes me selfish or a slut, so be it.

Why Settle when You can Sample?