See You Never

photograph: Pinterest

Ghosting is the act of cutting off all communication with someone with no warning beforehand. I think if everyone is honest with themselves, though, you can sometimes tell what someone’s intention may be and how much you mean to them. 

Ghosting sends a message. That could be “I didn’t care enough about you to give our time together the dignity of a clear ending” (this is the tried and true example of ghosting and what it’s most commonly used for in my experience), “you did something so disrespectful or hurtful that I never want to see or hear from you again no matter what my feelings were for you before” (this one has the most dramatic flare to it), “you meant so much to me that actually saying goodbye would crush me” (it is rarely this one), or “we just faded away and neither one of us had any intent mal or not behind it” (these are either the saddest or the most peaceful). 

I personally love ghosting; controversial take perhaps but it’s my preferred way to end something with someone. I think it’s because, for the most part, I’ve never been with someone long enough or been emotionally involved enough to think they deserved a goodbye from me. 

I remember shitting bricks when I realized I had to actually break up with my boyfriend 2 years ago instead of just blocking him. I think ghosting is only valid when you aren’t in an official relationship, or else that’s just a lack of decorum and care all around (even though my ex deserved to be ghosted). Maybe it’s the avoidant attachment talking but I get so anxious at the thought of having the separation conversation because it never feels genuine to me. I think excuses get made for the most part like it’s me it’s not them but that’s not true, it is them. Their problem is usually that I don’t like them enough or they’ve bored me. With straight sexual relationships, it’s very easy for me to feel that way. I blame my dad for the way the male species makes me easily irritated. With queer sexual relationships, I feel easily smothered. I think the natural emotional intimacy that I have with AFAB (assigned female at birth) people terrifies me. They make me feel like I’m seconds away from being settled down which makes my heart race, and not in a good way. 

I see ghosting as a clean break, an instant you're no longer in my life. I think that people take it too personally, I’ve been ghosted too and it’s not the end of the world. I think a part of making peace with ghosting and being ghosted is making peace with the fact that you and that person don't really matter in the larger sense of both of your lives. That girl I was talking to for a week will not remember me when she has a wife and two cats; that guy I hooked up with on and off for a month will not think of me to celebrate with when he gets his promotion at work. Ghosting breaks the illusion that we thought we meant more to one another than we actually do. 

Yes, it is a harsh way to go about things but that’s life. There is the argument that it's just avoiding any confrontation and sure there’s merit to that argument but why am I confronting you to end something between us when you don’t even know my middle name or the town I grew up in? I’m ghosting you when I barely know you because why are you acting like I owe you an explanation when I know we’re not that important to each other? 

I think the dating world for our generation is so messed up that it can make you cling to any type of intimacy or connection but in reality, most of us need to wake up, smell the roses, and go ghost. 

Sometimes Always love,

Brooke