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I was lucky enough to have someone in my early upbringing talk to me honestly and openly about sex.

My grandma passed away when I was 15, right when I started to have any opportunity to actually explore my sexuality more. Before she passed, she was my role model, best friend, and go-to for any questions or concerns I had about sex and sexual acts.

She always told me that before sex, one should have foreplay so both partners can get in the mood and start focusing on each other’s pleasure. I was never taught about pleasure at all in school. However, I was just lucky enough to not be solely taught abstinence like so many American schools do.

Even with masturbation, it never was normalized amongst my peers that people with vaginas were also entitled to get themselves off. I heard boys brag and make jokes about jerking off all the time, but when my friends and I discovered vibrating toothbrushes and showerheads we were “disgusting” and no one wanted to hear about that.

What stuck with me the most when my grandma and I talked about sex is that she made me aware that women and AFAB (assigned female at birth) people have to advocate for their sexual pleasure so much more. She explained how men’s and AMAB (assigned male at birth)’s pleasure was always prioritized and that straight sex was never truly equal (we were talking about sex before I truly knew I wasn't only attracted to men and just wanted to have sex with them, so most of her advice was heteronormative – but I still find it invaluable).

What she talked about really struck a chord with me. It’s one of the reasons that when I have sex with men and people with penises, if I feel they are not truly valuing my pleasure and they ask for oral sex, I tell them, “I don’t give head without getting it first.”

Too often my experiences have been that they see receiving as a given and giving as optional. I’ve had many be taken aback at my statement, roll their eyes, or even start begging for it in a very temper tantrum-esque way.

I can tell the difference when my sexual partner is getting off to me being pleasured versus only getting off to themselves being pleasured. When I have sex with someone, I want them to feel desired, wanted, and truly engaged with the acts we are participating in, so I obviously expect the same.

The lack of foreplay, but especially the lack of oral sex that men and AMABs initiate in my sexual history, is honestly kind of appalling. I shouldn't have to explain to my partner that I deserve to have a moment of my needs being solely satisfied.

My other AFAB and women friends have told me how they have encountered men who refuse to give head to women, who are adamantly against it, but still expect to receive it. This is completely mind-boggling to me.

There’s a dehumanizing aspect to it that can make a person feel like they're just a sex toy for someone else; something to provide that person pleasure without expecting anything in return.

I feel like as I've gotten older and people have matured, or my taste has gotten better, that I don’t have to say my rule as often, but it still comes up.
I think a big shift has been the way that media and culture around vaginal-oral sex has been portrayed in a more positive light. Being a “munch,” someone who gives vaginal-oral sex without expecting or getting anything in return, was not a thing when I was first dipping my toes into the world of sex. Men weren’t praised for giving their girlfriends or even a woman they were fucking casually pleasure. When I was growing up, it was either not done, not talked about, or seen as gross.

It’s also bothered me that men are now praised for doing what women were always taught to do. When my friends and I first started hooking up with people in high school, we would buy popsicles to practice what giving a blow job would be like so that we didn't embarrass ourselves and the guy would still like us. We had this shame and fear of not being able to perform well when it was a miracle if a man even wanted to give you head.

I have yet to find a man who has grown up with that same fear that if he didn’t give a woman good head, she wouldn't like him. Men get a gold star for even attempting it.

Being a good sexual partner means that everyone involved should feel taken care of and that their pleasure is necessary. Why would you not want your partner or partners to be as sexually fulfilled as you?

Sometimes Always love,

Brooke

Gotta Give a Little to Get Ahead

photograph: Pinterest

This week’s article will also be featured in the Romance section of Your Magazine’s March Issue, debuting March 8, 2024.

enjoy this sneak peek into our latest issue!