Identity Crisis in Copenhagen

by Isabella Castelo

This weekend I took my first solo trip of the semester to Copenhagen. Unfortunately, it was the final weekend of my European travel extravaganza. Copenhagen was the city I set my mind to last spring when I found out I would be going abroad; there was nothing in particular that attracted me to the city, I just knew it would be a place I’d fall in love with.

And in love I was.

Not only did the city itself live up to all my dreams, but going alone made the experience even better. With it being the last trip of my abroad experience, going alone allowed me to really spend some time reflecting on everything I’ve done this semester. I found the time almost forced me to appreciate these past three months. But, I digress, that’s boring.

What I spent most of my time thinking about was the constant split in my brain; where one side loves being alone, and the other is constantly yearning to cling to another person. This whole weekend I was simultaneously relieved I didn’t have to tend to other people and unable to shake the feeling that everything I did would be better with someone by my side. It was peaceful knowing I didn’t say more than 50 words aloud the whole weekend, but was also extremely isolating. I felt as if I almost didn’t exist. To the shopkeepers and waiters I did talk to, I was just another of the thousands of faces they see daily.

After spending this weekend confined to my own mind, I still don’t know if feeling like a wisp in the wind that may or may not have blown by is positive or not. Yeah, I loved not having to deal with incompetent Google Maps users or conflicting dream tourist destinations, but I also crave experiencing these annoying aspects of traveling with other people. These small details sometimes lead to the funniest jokes and, even if they really do piss me off (in a totally unfunny way), me and my friends at least get closer. The fighting and making-up process makes us more akin to a familial unit that we’ve made up to get us through these three months.

Neither craving a connection of closer friends, or best case scenarios, a lover ;), nor wanting to walk around in silence all day are crimes. I know a normal response would be that I should know balance is key, and spend time with myself while also making time for friends.

Yada yada yada.

I crave both on such extreme ends of the spectrum I don’t know how to balance these feelings. I either want to go mute and completely off the grid for a week or I want to walk around in my friend’s shirt all day. There is no healthy middle. I always wonder why I’m so obsessive and take my emotions so far. I’m going to keep wondering that because I never said I figured anything out. Just that I thought about it a lot. Nothing wrong with that either, I guess.

So, this week in Copenhagen I learned to love my, sometimes, crippling conflicting identities!!!

Love,

Isabella

Photograph: Pinterest

Identity Crisis in Copenhagen