Forgetting What’s Happening in
front of me

by Isabella Castelo

Hello readers, welcome back to school! I am writing to you from the other side of the pond in The Netherlands and am thoroughly enjoying being better than each one of you filthy Americans right now.

If you remember me from last year, you might be wondering if I struck gold and have to find a new topic for my blog. Putting it simply…did I get laid this summer? The answer is still no, but what I’m writing about is different (I like to keep you guys on your toes). This semester, instead of sharing my thoughts and opinions on the love all around me, I’ll be finding love in the new places I discover. Every day’s a school day now!

After a week abroad I’ve noticed a lot about what traveling makes you feel, both the good and the bad. Of course, when you’re exploring a new city you feel the excitement of maybe crossing something off your bucket list or witnessing something you never would have from the comfort of your home. However, for me, I can’t seem to escape feelings of extreme guilt and stress about the way I am spending my time.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been to Europe and this feeling has only occurred AFTER all of my previous travels here. I had fun in each city or country I was visiting, really taking the time to immerse myself into each place I went to, then I came home and it felt like it never even happened. It’s like my trip was a lucid dream I had after taking 10mg of melatonin instead fo five. It all feels like a distant memory, deep in my past, despite only getting home and giving myself enough time to dump my bags, and my body, onto the floor.

can’t help but wonder if this is a universal feeling or if I’m just incapable of allowing myself to be satisfied with the way I experience my life. This relates to my love life; any time I may be close to something that resembles love I ruin it by feeling like I don’t belong or as if I’m standing behind a dirty window watching someone destroy my chances, unable to do anything. Now, traveling to new places I feel like I’m not doing enough despite doing everything.

This inability to focus on all the amazing things I’m experiencing is going to ruin traveling through Europe for me. There’s no doubt about it, something needs to change. For example, I spent my weekend in Amsterdam and had an amazing time. One could say I loved Amsterdam…I did say that multiple times to my friends and family. However, looking back on my time in the city, I feel like I just floated through the motions of being a tourist, not truly taking in the city in all its beauty.

I’m not sure how to wipe this foggy feeling from the memories of my trips, but I sincerely hope I figure it out soon before I waste a ton of money, ruin a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and ruin this blog for all of us. After all, how am I meant to write about falling in love with places when I still feel like an imposter living in a castle in The Netherlands?

Let this be the first of many lessons on love overseas. Talk to you next week…Oktoberfest edition.

Love,

Isabella

Photograph: Emerson College

Forgetting What’s Happening in Front of Me