My mom found my blog… So i’m talking about sex

*By Charlotte Brandman*

Mayday Mayday. Code Red: my mom found my blog. And she reads it… every. week. That means she knows what I’m reading late at night on Kindle. I think my life is over.

But because I’m brave, this blog lives on. Today, we’re also introducing what my mother came up with– the official Enemies to Readers Sex-O-Meter (pronounced like thermometer). My mom doesn’t like smut, but she does love that I love to write about it so… hi Mom – hope you like this post.

In honor of my literal mother finding this blog, this one’s going to be a review of one of the smuttiest books I’ve ever read. That’s right Mom, you should exit out of the link now. Bye.

Now that she’s gone, we’re gonna talk taboo romance – and I’m not talking about a child’s play, taboo trope like best friend’s brother– we’re talking about the age gap, older man, priest smut. Mom, I’m serious… I would like you to leave.

Some of my readers have commented that they really enjoy my smut reviews and want more. Well, it’s time I reveal to you a second side of me– a girl who loves a book driven purely by sex. Sometimes, I need a horribly written book about two people having sex on every surface imaginable to truly relax. And a lot of women I talk to also love a sex-driven plot about two people who could never possibly be together in real life. So, when my favorite BookToker, Tierney, recommended Lessons in Sin by Pam Godwin, I downloaded it to my Kindle immediately. I then proceeded to tear through it like a wild animal.

Before we start, can we look at this cover, please?

I’m actually gagged by this. Why is the man on the cover so… couture? He’s serving a look and I’m entirely here for it. Why are his cheekbones so defined? Why does he look like a male Victoria's Secret model? I did laugh out loud when I saw him staring back at me from my Kindle. But don’t let his stare deter you from this book, because it’s wild – but in the best way.

Tinsley Constantine is sent away to a Catholic boarding school after she’s caught giving someone a blow job. When she shows up, her eyes are immediately drawn to the head priest, Magnus Falke.

Can I tell you guys a secret? Initially, I was scared of the priest-student thing. I was raised in a really religious environment, so I still have some of that lovely religious guilt flowing through my blood. But, this book is fantastical– you can suspend any belief you have of what priests do normally when you read this book. Magnus Falke (Father Magnus, if you will) is the complete opposite of what a priest is in real life. He’s built like an Avenger, has a nine-inch-long penis, and has a sadistic kink. As a non-kinky lesbian, I didn’t know if there was much for me here. WRONG. The slow burn in this book is to die for. When I say I was sweating, screaming (out of fear, get your mind out of the gutter), and dancing around my room, I’m serious. It was wrong in all the right ways.

When I visited the Vatican this summer, I didn’t see any ripped priests wandering the grounds. And maybe if I did see one, I’d be more scared by Pam Godwin’s taboo story. But that’s what I love about fiction– you can suspend your reality for a moment while you dive into someone else's. If one of my friends told me they were having a relationship with a forty-year-old priest, I would call the cops. But when it’s in a book? I’m going to devour it.

If you’re judging me for reading this horribly inappropriate book, then I respect your decision to kindly exit from my blog. But, books like this unite women of all ages in reading something absolutely demented. And isn’t that what my blog is for? For people who love a terribly delicious, smutty romance book?

Lessons in Sin is a four out of five on the official “Enemies to Reader’s” Sex-O-Meter scale. If you’re looking for a slow-burn smutty read, I promise Godwin provides.

See you next read,

Charlotte

Photograph: Pinterest

My Mom Found My Blog... So I'm Talking About Sex