What Do I Do Now? Self Doubt As A Musician Fresh Out Of College

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

Written by Caroline White

Photograph by Lauren Mallett

Attention students in arts, performance, comedy, and all other things Emerson: If you are a 2024 graduate, I come bearing good news! Our hard work and studying to pursue an artistic career is, in fact, NOT a waste of time! My brother Aaron, a Trumpet Performance major at Arizona State University, and I have had many long conversations about the stress of devoting year after year to a rather inconsistent industry, and he was even considering dropping out of school at one point. 

Seeing my brother lose interest in his art made me question my place at Emerson, my career choice, and my talents. As mostly arts and communications students, we know this uncertainty all too well. We spend entirely too much money at Emerson to be stressed about whether we will earn any of it back. In search of some comfort, I spoke with Hagan Varaguas ‘23, a recent graduate of Berklee College of Music. He shed light on his experience working as an artist in the two months since he graduated.

Truthfully, I went into this interview seeking some sympathy. I wanted him to be relatable and someone for us, as artists and creatives, to find comfort in. His optimism in and out of college blew me away. I admired how much he loved the arts and the creative process. Seeing the logistics of his work and making money was just as interesting.

“I had a professor, Susan Rogers, who was Prince’s record producer turned doctorate psycho-acoustician,” Varaguas says. “She encouraged me to take advantage of my youth and enjoy the arts and my passion for music while I’m still young and able.” Varaguas’ love for science and art, and the knowledge that he could have something to fall back on in the future, helped him to feel confident in the present and in the decision to continue to grow as an artist instead of dropping his career for something that was typical. He said, “That message really changed everything for me, and I decided to throw my all into the music industry. And then in my late 30s, early 40s, if I still have the inklings, I’ll go into science.” As an artist, this was incredibly encouraging. I guess I never thought of the future after pursuing an artistic career, I’ve thought of that as my only future. Some of us likely ended up at Emerson because someone told us we have a “gift” for creating whatever it is we create. It’s frankly a struggle to keep motivated enough to not doubt yourself, and become great. 

“I’ve definitely had self-doubt, but, at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter. My role as an artist doesn’t have any potential to hurt people, it could only ever help people,” Varaguas said. Wow. Perhaps this hit me so hard because as artists—and maybe I’m just speaking for myself—self-doubt is often the nail in the coffin. How am I supposed to think I’m great when surrounded by greatness? Varaguas made me realize that even if I’m not great, my art is still a gift to society. What we as artists create imposes no harm to the world, so why would I be stupid enough not to share what I do with the world?

I ended this interview with the age-old “What do I do now?” question. I felt a sense of comfort knowing that my art was worth sharing, but how would I even go about doing that? Is it even worth it? Will I be searching all of my pants pockets for cash forever? “Consider why we’re in the industries we’re in and just put your all into it, and others will reciprocate that,” Varaguas said. This was like a hug made of words. I felt that as long as I do my part, the funds will come. I felt like now I knew what I should do: “Just be a fool. No one is going to die if you mess up.”