Child support arguments, smack talking your custodial parent, and the tension that weighs above the roof you live under–this is a glimpse into what it’s like to be a kid in the middle of divorce. When it comes down to custody and you end up living with one parent only, there’s distance with your other parent: the non-custodial parent. The most infamous line of non-custodial parents is: “You know, the phone works both ways.” A lot of these same parents tend to push the responsibility of their relationship with their children onto their children. They fail to realize the anger and resentment of their 10-year-old not wanting to talk to them is in fact–and stay with me here–their own fault.

As a kid, I was subjected to bi-weekly visits and phone calls every week with my other parent. I grew up in a household where it felt like I was waiting for World War III to erupt every week. After my parents split, we were still in the same apartment building as each other. There was no distance, therefore, I would come home to the other parent sitting on my couch, eating the snacks (that they didn’t buy) for my sister and I.

“Hi girls! Did you miss me?”

No. We didn’t.

My other parent was selfish and erratic. I had no choice but to appease them when they were in my path. The screaming and fighting, the slamming of doors and physical intimidation would make me bawl my eyes out when they would try to do something as simple as take me to bowling practice.

Once we moved out of the apartment and into a different part of town, I felt relief–somewhat. Now that I was thirteen and had my own cell phone for the first time, I was being told it doesn’t end here–you have to call them once a week. Keep the peace. Don’t make it worse than it has to be.

But as a child, why am I being forced to build this relationship? You owe me the rebuilding of trust and security.

Karina Montetna, a 21-one-year-old student at Miami Dade College recalls hearing this guilt inducing line: “As a kid, hearing ‘the phone works both ways’ didn’t make sense to me,” says Montetna. “I was a kid trying to live my little kid life. I would feel guilty believing it was my responsibility to have contact with the other. If I never called, the other parent wouldn’t call.”

Oftentimes there seems to be a power imbalance with these relationships. Caitlin Ring, a 21-year-old new mother finds it hard to fathom treating her daughter the way she, herself, was treated–not as an individual.

“A lot of parents have a hard time seeing their kids as equals. It’s like you’re less than. It’s your responsibility as a parent to build on your relationship with your kids, not mine,” she says. “You gave birth to me, you have the responsibility to try and make this work.”

One thing lacking from these relationships is self-awareness. They also tend to victimize themselves, and flip their residual anger and sorrow from their failed marriage onto whatever they can. According to Sarah Epstein, LMFT, this common guilt tripping tactic is a cheap and easy fix for parents who want to feel wanted. This is how they get what they want, when they want it. However, the long term effect should make them think twice.

“An adult child who feels manipulated into contact, who feels compliant rather than excited to show up, may remain emotionally absent. Guilt erodes a relationship and creates resentment,” she writes.

When parents guilt their children into the relationship they desperately long for, it drives them away more than anything, Epstein goes onto say. This is the exact thing many adults fail to understand.

So parents, understand this–your kids are not your property. They may have your last name or your eyes, your little quirks or your tone of voice–but, this does not make you entitled to a relationship with them. Kids don’t owe you their time to be your therapist. You have to put in the emotional labor the right way in order for your kids to call. Be involved in their life, their interests, their goals. Distract them from the mess going on, don’t throw them into it.

The Phone Works Both Ways