I Hate All Men

I hate all men. Yes, that includes myself. We are born being told what we are, and then are supposed to follow a list of unspoken guidelines in order to be perceived as socially acceptable. Feminist philosopher Judith Butler states in Gender Troubles,  “gender reality is created through sustained social performances.” If this is true, what actions have made masculinity so toxic, and is it salvagable?

Masculinity is not something that is easily defined. It is often associated with power (particularly over women), strength, ability to provide, and stoicism. Over several centuries, masculinity has gone from hunting instead of gathering to political dominance. Men have taken control of our world by causing women to feel unsafe and gay men, like me, to feel unaccepted based on stereotypes. The weaponization of masculinity is constantly perpetuated when a man takes control or acts violently without consequences. Women and gay men are subsequently forced into a role of submission, purity and emotionality and are seen as the opposite of men. 

I came out in eighth grade. From then on I was nothing more than “the gay kid” that men chose not to perceive as masculine. Boys began to disappear from my life out of fear. Due to this, I found myself identifying more with femininity. Gal pals, female teachers and my feminist mother were at the epicenter of my world while masculine demons orbited my head often calling me “fag” as I covered my ears. I was, and still am a man, but “he/him” seemed to melt away from me because all I could associate with manliness was the fear I felt towards men and their fear for me.

Photo by Lily Brown

Of all the times I have felt bad around boys, one event proves my hate for men most of all. The summer before my junior year, I entered summer camp with a crush on my camp counselor. While he was seemingly straight, one night he chose to get into my bed, tell me he knew I liked him, made me touch him while forcing himself onto me, and told me how he had a girlfriend and how he did this for me. I was left stewing in silence for hours as I festered in his poison. From then on, I found it harder to make eye contact with men. I was assaulted, and I now feel that I have lost agency over my expression just like so many women. However, I will never fully understand how women and people raised as women feel.

Many women and gender-nonconforming individuals have voiced how uncomfortable they feel in the presence of men for similar reasons. When Brianna Young ‘23 was asked about her negative experiences around men, she brought up a personal anecdote from her old workplace. She recalls working with a now ex-boyfriend, Daniel, as well as a chef named Phil. She explains, “Phil was middle aged and he was only there for the summer. He started out just overly complimenting me saying how good I looked in a color…But then he would say ‘Oh, I shouldn’t say that. That’s Daniel’s girl.” She goes on to say, “Phil came up to me to say goodnight, but he hugged me and started kissing my neck. And this man was six foot two and over 200 pounds.” After she told her boyfriend about the situation, he refused to validate her experience. When they broke up he said, “I 100% believe Phil; Phil’s my homie.” A large sum of women are hypersexualized and their outcries are ignored just as Young mentions. She was ridiculed in her workplace, and so how is she supposed to move forward knowing that she must work with other men like this?

Masculinity is not just sexual dominance; it can be in the context of mansplaining and manspreading, or the idea of men asserting dominance in conversations and in physical situations. Emma Cudahy ‘25 is studying political communications, and she feels as though she is unheard in her male-dominated field. She states, “[It’s] the idea that as a woman your perspective is inherently less valuable than the perspective of a man.” According to the Woman Abuse Council of Toronto, 41 percent of women echo Cudahy as they feel uncomfortable at work. Toxic masculinity burns all individuals who present femininely. Emma Boothroyd ‘25 is a nonbinary individual who has experienced disrespect and hypersexualization based on their femininity. They divulge by talking about a story where a man yelled that he wanted to put his dick in their mouth when they were just trying to walk their dog. They explain, “There have been so many instances of getting catcalled and misgendered…It adds a whole nother layer of intricacy when being perceived as a woman as a nonbinary person.” In being perceived hypersexually, their identity is ignored. Their gender was invalidated because a man believed that signs of femininity represent submission. 

I hate being a man. Last night I dreamt that I cut my penis off just to feel more comfortable in my body. However, it made me feel further disconnected. Although I am gender nonconforming, it does not erase that I look and feel like a cisgender man. As a result, I hold a privileged position that scares others. I have accidentally hurt women in the past because of my privilege. As men, we must learn how to radically recontextualize masculinity’s definition. Men should acknowledge privilege while also decentering themselves for other genders to take equal spotlight. Cudahy argues, “Regardless of how you feel about yourself and your masculinity, you have to realize and understand that women are going to perceive masculinity as something dangerous for them.” Societal norms are not just going to disappear, but they can be understood and transformed through active listening and accountability. It is lazy to write off all men as broken. I might hate all men right now, but we all must learn to accept the faults of modern masculinity while holding men accountable for change.