Throughout high school, I never wanted a relationship. I thought they were a means to an end of distracting and entertaining oneself because I never saw any of them lasting or providing anything substantial to the people in them. This was most likely because my small town in Florida didn’t exactly offer great options for dating, especially as one of the few openly bisexual people in my town. 

I saw my friends date the most mundane or insane people. They would give their all to their partners and lose themselves in the process. Not only did this disturb and disgust me, it scared the sh*t out of me.

Being scared was due to the fact that I’ve never truly seen a functioning, healthy, mutualistic romantic relationship that wasn't fiction—which made me wonder how people would ever want or need to be in a couple. I also realized that while I was never looking for a partner, I was insanely picky. There wasn't a set checklist in my head that a person had to meet per se, but no one ever seemed worth the time and energy of a relationship to me.

This might be because I’ve always had the tendency to get very bored with people when it comes to sexual and borderline romantic situationships. So, I was used to my hookups having a shelf life of about one to two weeks.

That, mixed with my intense trust and commitment issues due to childhood bullying, daddy issues, and Gemini Venus placement, meant I made my peace with the fact that I wasn’t really a “relationship person” a long time ago. But ever since I came to Emerson, I felt myself craving more than just a sexual, no-strings-attached connection. I craved intimacy.

My sudden craving and the thoughts swirling in my head about what a relationship would look like with me in it shocked me completely. I couldn’t tell you if it was the amount of openly queer people on campus or finally escaping boring suburbia in Florida that showed me what else was out there, but I was intrigued. 

With so many options and possible adventures available in a place like Boston, it wasn’t hard for me to contemplate that this could very well be me romanticizing the idea of falling in love in the city, but I think it’s more than that. 

Moving away to a city where no one knew me and to a school where I was a stranger granted me the ability to reinvent who I was and what I actually wanted for myself. 

I wanted to take my new persona out for a test drive, so I met with a couple of people I matched with on Tinder, and the same pattern of getting bored after a short period of time continued. The main difference was that it wasn’t stupid icks that made me ghost people this time, it was the lack of a real connection that made me distance myself.  

I know I want to connect with someone emotionally, physically, and intellectually to get the kind of intimacy I now find myself manifesting.