Have you ever found yourself constantly in a situation where you feel you don’t belong because you couldn’t bring yourself to say “no” to someone? There is always that one person who most people have in their lives who is always dependable and won’t mind doing anything, despite how inconvenient it might be: the people pleaser. 

People pleasers are people who feel an emotional need to satisfy the needs of others. Most of these individuals don’t even realize that they are people-pleasing, as some of the positive effects of it include the respect and love from others and self-confidence. Although people-pleasing might not seem all that bad, it has its drawbacks because of how excessive it can get. 

Typically, people-pleasing stems from a lack of self-worth, previous maltreatment, or low self-esteem. By fulfilling the needs of others, they feel liked and accepted, which leads to a less likely chance of losing those people around them. People-pleasers feel responsible for the feelings of others, apologize often, and even feel a burden by the things they have to do. 

Psychologist Harriet Braiker says, “to please is a disease,” in her book Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome—which in excess can become an addiction that is tough to beat. According to Harriet Braiker, The act of people-pleasing is divided into three categories, feelings, mindsets, and habits, all of which are difficult to manage and break. Often, people-pleasing is part of a person’s personality and according to Science of People, “People higher in agreeableness tend to be more prone to people-pleasing than other personality types.”

Kindness is often confused with being a people pleaser, as their primary goal is making sure everyone around them feels happy. People-pleasers will do whatever it takes to fulfill this goal. Some of these actions lead to the person being overworked because of an overdeveloped sense of personal responsibility and feelings of exhaustion after trying to take care of the needs of others. The most negative part of all of this is that a person who is overwhelmed and busy by taking care of others neglects their own needs. 

According to Health Guidance For Better Health, “it is not healthy psychologically to be a people pleaser as it means you are constantly suppressing your views and desires.” Suppressing your views and desires means that you must constantly put other emotions aside, such as anger and sadness. People pleasers bottle up these emotions and therefore are never dealt with properly or healthily.

Breaking the habit of being a people pleaser is difficult. One of the first steps one should take is building up the courage to say “no” to something small and then build up from there. Or, try delaying the “no” with an “I’ll get back to you later.” Open up about how you’re feeling, even if it feels like it is an unimportant feeling. Gaining confidence in oneself is the most important task in breaking the chain of pleasing others.