photograph: Pinterest

Throughout high school, I would gravitate toward friend groups– now in college, I gravitate toward nobody.

I used to feel like I needed to be friends with everyone and everyone needed to like me. I thought that if someone didn’t like me that meant something was wrong with me. I always said “yes” to everything because I feared if I said no, they wouldn’t like me anymore. I worried about vocalizing my boundaries because I thought I would be letting them down. I so desperately wanted to feel wanted because having people in our lives is a silent validation.

Having this unhealthy perception of why I needed people in my life forced me into places where I was repeatedly shown I wasn’t valued. I pushed myself into friend groups and into situations because I felt like I needed to avoid being alone. As a result, I would burn myself out of friendships and I burned bridges that didn’t need to be burned.

I had to learn this saying the hard way: “You are the company you keep.” I didn’t realize the importance of this saying, because even though you are friends with someone, you are still an individual yourself. I once had friends with whom my values and beliefs didn’t align. I thought it wasn’t that big of a deal— but, it was a big deal. They didn’t truly understand me, nor did they respect the decisions I made. 

When it comes to friendships I am a very devoted friend. I invest myself in my friendships and in this relationship, it was like pouring all my energy down the drain because I gave and gave, until I had nothing left to give. I wanted to be enough for them, so I started to transform myself into someone that I thought they would like. It reached a point where I couldn’t even recognize myself anymore. I would look in the mirror and the person I saw in my reflection wasn’t someone I liked. I lost myself in that friendship, trying to become someone that they wanted. After I had nothing left to give I began to resent myself, as I searched for something in others that I couldn’t find in myself. 

Think of it this way, the people in your life are there for a reason. The universe puts specific people in your life to teach you something. The people that you have in your life align with you at that moment. Whether the lesson you’re learning seems positive or negative, you are bound to grow through that time. During that growth, sometimes those relationships that you make can grow with you. In my case, I wasn’t meant to grow with that relationship and I knew that at some point along the way, I didn’t align with them anymore. Despite this, I wanted to keep this relationship because I wasn’t ready to be alone; however, like any cycle that repeats, I reached the point where I burned myself out of that relationship.

I wanted to end this cycle. I knew that if I continued it wasn’t fair to the people I would form relationships with in the future and I would always go on to end up resenting myself in that future relationship. So, during the summer before starting college, I told myself that I wasn’t going to push myself into friendships. I would let the people that were meant to be in my life come to me. I wasn’t going to resort to the old me that made friendships out of the fear of being alone. I wanted to be able to make genuine and lasting relationships with people who truly valued me as I am. I was no longer willing to give my time and energy to people that I didn’t align with. 

I knew that changing my old habits wasn’t going to be as simple as flipping a switch; however, I wasn’t expecting the length of time in between this process. This past fall was the loneliest time I have ever experienced. At first, I thought that this loneliness was a punishment from the universe,

Working through this period of loneliness, I needed to think about why I saw it as a punishment at first. I was so used to having other people in my life and pouring my time and energy into them. I wasn’t used to having the space to be able to put myself first and pour all that time and energy into myself. For once, I wasn’t receiving that silent validation from having people in my life. We associate having people in our lives with being valued and the universe challenged this association for me by putting me through a time of loneliness. I thought it was a punishment, but the universe was freeing me. 

I was free from the fear of losing people, being alone because I was alone, and not being enough. Being alone allows you to truly explore yourself and to find out what you do or don’t like; to remind yourself that you are enough as you are – that you are already whole. I’ve realized that most people find themselves when they are in a time of feeling lost. I needed this time to be able to remind myself who I am and the type of life I want for myself. I also needed to be brought back to me because before any friends, families, or relationships. You come first.

Until next time,

Reese