photograph: Pinterest

There’s almost a month left of school and my first year of college is not what I expected.

During the summer I had this expectation that coming here was going to be the best thing for me. I was moving over 800 miles away from home and I was going alone. I thought that this clean slate would fulfill me.

It did not.

During the move-in, that feeling of something shifting into place that people seem to feel when they go to college didn’t happen for me. I brushed it off by saying that I was overwhelmed and it wasn’t actually settling that I made it. Throughout the fall that feeling of being out of place never dissipated.

I wanted to make the most of this because I knew damn well I worked too hard to just “not like it” here. So I branched out and explored other schools and tried to take advantage of the big city. But after every attempt, it just emphasized that feeling of being out of place. Eventually, during the winter I just stopped trying because I thought the feeling would never go away.

I was indulging in my bad habit of looking for people and things to hold onto in order to fill this feeling of lack. I let myself wallow in that feeling and let the fall semester end.

When I went home it was like a slap in the face. While I was regressing into my old high school self in my old bedroom I realized I was letting my first year of college pass me by. Was I letting it pass me by because it didn’t match the traditional college experience that I had envisioned for myself during high school? Or something else? I didn’t find my best friends during orientation week, I spent the first couple of weekends here in my room alone, and I had nobody.

Even though it was painful at first, it was needed. I needed to go through this in order to learn things about myself that I wouldn’t have if it weren’t for this experience. The fall semester was a wake-up call that allowed me to recognize what I truly valued and what I really wanted for myself.

In all honesty, I picked Emerson because it was the farthest school from home. I told myself going this far would be good for me because I would be able to turn myself into someone completely new. Then when I went home I wouldn’t be the same person that I was before.

This assumption was wrong because coming here triggered all my insecurities and made all my worst-case scenarios come to life.

But like I said in another entry the worst case scenario isn’t really the worst when you’re experiencing it. I needed to trust the process because it wasn’t meant to work out and I was impatient waiting for the next thing to happen.

During the spring semester, I decided to root myself in routines and focus on finishing strong because after all, I’m still here, aren’t I? I go to bed at 9 PM, spend my weekends in my room, and spend my evenings at the BPL. While I may have turned into a grandma it’s what I want and, I have never felt more at peace.

Rooting myself in routines took my mind off of focusing on “what’s next?” I was able to develop gratitude for the smaller things in my life here. I stopped waking up thinking about not wanting to be here and dreading the rest of my time here. 

I had the things that high school me wanted: going to school in the city and a corner room with a view of the commons. 

I was letting myself overlook that I was initially drawn to Emerson for a reason and I was meant to end up here for a reason. I will never say I regret coming here because I don’t. This school year has allowed me to grow in ways that I didn’t expect. It also has led me down a path that I did not expect to go down, but it’s the path that I have been looking for.

Even if this year didn’t work out the way that I wanted, it worked out the way it needed to.

Until next week,

Reese