photograph: Pinterest

I will say that I have found myself in a predicament where someone has said to me “heard you were talking shit about me.”

And what I wish I could’ve said to them was “Yes I was talking shit because you are a shitty person.”

Of course, I didn’t actually say that to them because I have a fear of confrontation. Some people might see this as a problematic take of mine but I’m sick of people thinking that talking shit is bad.

No, it’s not.

What people fail to see is that talking shit is a form of communication. People see talking shit and gossiping as the same thing when they aren’t. Gossiping is focusing on a person’s rumors or something that is not your business. Talking shit is focused on your own personal experiences with a certain person and how it made you feel.

Talking shit is your business because you’re coping and venting about how something made you feel. And if it gets back to that person and they got something to say… Let them because they’re reacting for a reason.

And sure, there's a line between healthy venting and straight-up trash talk. It’s all about intention and making sense of your own feelings instead of being mean just for the sake of it.

I know that when I talk to my friends about these types of experiences it is because I wanna make sure I’m not being irrational and am not taking things the wrong way. It’s for perspective reasons. I used to have this habit of giving someone the benefit of the doubt and really it should’ve just been one and done.

One time I had someone in my life who… let’s just say lacked empathy and it bothered me because they would pass off anything offensive that they said as a “joke.” Again for perspective reasons, I talked to friends to make sense of my feelings. I wasn’t coming to them with the intention of trying to bring them down.

People have bought into this idea that talking shit is somehow morally wrong. Like we're betraying some unspoken code of conduct by being honest about our feelings. But you know what's worse than talking shit? Excusing someone’s behavior when really they’re just not a great person.

However, I’m sure you’ve heard "If you have a problem with someone, be mature and talk to them directly." It's the go-to advice for resolving conflicts like grown-ups. And in many cases, it's solid advice. But what about those situations where talking it out just isn't an option?

Let's be real here. Not everyone is open to feedback. Not everyone is willing to listen, let alone change. And when you're dealing with a situation where it’s based on someone’s character that is, well… not great, confronting them is like trying to reason with a brick wall.

Especially when it can feel downright impossible. Because when someone has shown time and time again that they don't care about your feelings, your concerns, your boundaries, why would you waste your breath? Sure, you could try sitting them down for a heart-to-heart. But let's be honest: if they haven't listened to you before, what makes you think they'll listen now?

And I know it sucks not having closure but sometimes only you can give it to yourself.

So talk shit, work through it, and validate your feelings. Because sometimes, the only way to deal with a toxic person is to vent to your trusted circle. It's not about spreading rumors or stirring up drama; it's about seeking support and validating yourself.

Not every problem can be solved with a heart-to-heart. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is distance yourself from the toxicity, surround yourself with people who lift you up, and focus on what you can control: your own happiness.

So, next time someone tells you to be the bigger person and talk it out, remember this: sometimes, being mature means knowing when to walk away. And if that means talking a little shit along the way, so be it.

Until next week,

Reese