photograph: PINTEREST

If any of you couldn’t already tell, I have an “all or nothing” mentality. It’s something that I admire about myself but it’s also something that I struggle with. It’s nice because I don’t make half-assed decisions; if I want something I will work to go get it, and if I’m not sure about something I won’t do anything until I’m certain. However, it’s also a struggle because I see everything as a quest. If I start it I will finish it, and if I can’t finish it then I will stay stuck on it and not move forward.

Having this mentality sucks for self-growth because I always think about if I'm “fixed” enough. Everyone’s got baggage and what people do with theirs is their business. But for me, because I see things as quests, I feel the need to constantly improve myself to get to the next thing. Now, I know that sounds exhausting, but it’s just the way I function— I need goals.

In other words, I have no chill.

Of course, I let myself relax and rest, but after a day or two I get restless and I need to be doing anything and working towards something. For example, for the longest time, I was hyperfocused on working towards academics. During middle and high school I had my eyes set on college and that was what I worked towards. It was also easy because since school was five days a week for eight hours each day, I had nothing to do but school.

But trying to approach self-growth like how I approach everything else is like a game of whac-a-mole. When I think that I have worked through something, it comes back up to the surface – it may not be there, but it’s still bottled up inside simply waiting to come up. This only frustrates me because I have this need to get things done – and done correctly – on the first try; however, self-growth is not a “get it done and done right on the first try” type of thing.

I don’t think that I truly understood the depth of the reasonings behind our behaviors until recently. Our baggage is a result of everything we’ve ever experienced from childhood to now. While I agree that we should not live in the past, it's important to acknowledge it to become aware of the reasons behind our actions. The past is not just the past, it is the reason why we are in the place where we are now.

Wanting to be able to get to the next thing had made my baggage feel like a bunch of obstacles that I needed to get past. Only seeing them as obstacles means not being able to truly work through them, and realizing this has allowed me to slow down and take the time to be gentle with myself. I will say I do get frustrated with myself sometimes when I feel like I haven’t gotten as far as I wanted to. However, as I said, it’s like a game of whac-a-mole— when you think it’s gone, it’s only just waiting to resurface.

I read this analogy once and I like to use it to remind myself that I’m right where I need to be. Our minds are gardens. Our thoughts are the seeds and as we can plant flowers we can also plant weeds. Weeds will grow regardless, which is why we have to weed our gardens; if we fail to do so, what we water will continue to grow. No matter what we plant, it will take time to grow, regardless.

Go easy on yourself.

Until next week,

Reese