It’s fair to say developing a friendship has stages. Maybe you haven’t thought about those early stages of friendships in a while. I certainly didn’t in my later years of high school. All my friends were those I had known since elementary and middle school. Sure, there was room for acquaintances to turn into friends, but no one at my school was a stranger. In a high school that only has, at most, 300 people per grade, everyone in your class kind of knows who you are. Everyone has had some interaction with one another, no matter how small, or just from word of mouth. 

I say this to explain that when you are becoming closer with an acquaintance who is also a friend of a friend, you already know their vibe. There are no surprises. But coming into college where the majority of students aren’t friends with anyone beforehand, there is no familiarity. You are all truly strangers, and it could be the first time you have to ask yourself, “Wait, how do I make friends again?” 

In the first year of college, students are experiencing multiple budding friendships, which means many are experiencing that early stage of friendship where you may not be showing your true personality. During this time there is a level of freedom for red flags to slip by. There are no quarrels or problems because you are trying to make friends. It is for this reason that the “honeymoon phase” exists in friendships.  

According to the Cleveland Clinic, the so-called honeymoon phase is a period in a romantic relationship that is defined by the rose-tinted view of your new partner, and is said to last from six months to even two years. It was originally associated with the first month of marriage, with couples going on their “honeymoon” during the first month, traditionally. The concept of the honeymoon phase eventually caught on, introducing a period of peace and euphoria in the early stages of the relationship. 

In dating, the honeymoon phase normally happens because there is a sort of idolization that occurs. You like the person you are dating for a reason, and when you are so new to the relationship it is hard to find its flaws... You are basically high on love. Like, literally. 

According to psychologist Chivonna Childs, “When you do experience the honeymoon phase, many of the physical feelings you have are because your brain is flooded with dopamine.” Dopamine is the hormone that triggers pleasure and satisfaction, which is at an all-time high at the beginning of a new relationship. Of course, this doesn’t last forever, and you experience a dopamine crash: which can lead to one of two things: either the couple stays together, or the two people realize they’re not meant for each other and break up.

But how does the honeymoon phase work in budding friendships? A level of idolization can also occur, leading you to want to be friends with someone in the first place, but I think the bigger reason for the honeymoon phase in friendships is that true colors don’t come out until later on in the relationship. 

This is not to say that someone who isn’t showing their whole personality at the beginning of a friendship automatically is doomed. I think, in most cases, it's hard to be your full self when you so badly want to be liked. Especially when there is such a fear of being alone in college, you might settle for the people you might not even have a lot in common with. 

I feel like this is best seen during college orientation, the short couple of days when you are meeting your peers for the first time. You are thrown into it, meeting so many new people from so many different places. I think even the most extroverted person would be socially drained after the millionth “What’s your name, major, and where are you from?”, which never leads to a real conversation half of the time. Every conversation is so scripted that there is no room for an authentic or genuine conversation. It is all performance. And for someone who despises small talk, it was pretty much my worst nightmare. (Let’s just say I was very excited for classes to start.)

It was overwhelming, to say the least, but what made it so was that innate pressure to find your group of people. With the fear that people are already “settling” into their own friend groups, it almost becomes a race. Those early friendships are formed so fast there is no room to breathe or analyze if the people you are choosing to be friends with are the right people for you. 

After all, you’d rather ignore red flags in a relationship than not have friends at all. 

But there is a point where it might be better to be alone rather than force yourself to settle for people who might not appreciate you—or be good in general. Out of self-respect, you need to know when to walk away. This can be hard when it seems like everyone has found their people, but there is a good chance that there are people in the exact same position as you who are looking for “their people.” 

Yes, the honeymoon phase exists in friendships, but there is a chance for that friendship to fully develop into a healthy one. If you are catching signs of a possible toxic friendship or someone who genuinely doesn’t align with your values as a person, you shouldn’t settle for red flags out of fear of being alone. There are people out there for you. It’s just a matter of finding them.