Something I hate is when you lose something and somebody says “Well, where did you see it last?” If I knew where it was last, I wouldn’t have asked in the first place. Using that logic, though, I would say that the last place I felt like myself was when I was coming back from winter break.

I think we shed our past selves like snakeskins, and mine is somewhere on the side of the road between Connecticut and Boston decomposing, melting, and slowly becoming one with the earth. I hope it grows into flowers or mushrooms or somebody badass. With all of that said, I think it is normal and healthy to experience change. I am honestly so grateful for the ability to grow and shift—however, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Sometimes we can’t just leave things behind. 

An expression I’ve been hearing a lot lately is “Healing isn’t linear”, and I completely agree. I also think that self-love and self-acceptance are not linear experiences. The girl who I was yesterday is always still a piece of who I am, but now I have to figure out how to incorporate her into the person I want to become. Sometimes it is not as simple as shedding and moving forward. It is normal to feel anxious or lonely in between the endings and beginnings. That’s where my issue lies—it’s never easy to own up to personal faults and find peace in past mistakes. 

Over the last few weeks, I have been trying to find ways to view my struggles and “bad” parts of myself in a more healthy way. I have started to think of myself as a collage of millions of moments, both positive and negative. Every eyelash, every nail, every freckle on me is a piece of my past self and a reminder of where I have been and will always be a piece of who I am becoming. I am a beautiful mess—the good, bad, ugly, and it all weaves together to create a complex tapestry of colors and feelings. We all are, and I think that is what makes self-love so difficult. 

My advice to someone who feels lost like I do is the following: embrace it. I just spent my time on a train creating a playlist inspired by the fucked up puzzle that I am. It is a mix of songs representing my strengths and weaknesses, and it is a good first step in me moving forward and starting to own who I am. I recommend it a lot actually, it’s been really healing. 

The next time somebody asks me when I last lost myself, I am going to show them the blues of my eyes or the freckles on my nose lol. They’ll be confused but I’ll feel good knowing that I am starting to understand the complicated process of change and growth.