cat and mouse

by heather thorn

art by lauren mallet

Yearning, pining, longing… Have you or someone you know been a victim of unrequited love? You may be entitled to emotional compensation.  

Love is often played tactically by both players in which a push and pull relationship develops. This isn’t a game of gravity, though, or even a game of logic. Instead, the game of cat and mouse often seen in relationships is one of pursuit. The cat-and-mouse dynamic derives from the thrill of chasing after someone that is either unattainable or interested enough to play the game but unwilling to completely close the distance between them. There are a number of reasons why this cycle forms: fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, or simply wanting to save face and not seem too attached to the other person. 

A tip often given to those struggling in their love life is to play hard to get. Becoming the mouse, for instance, creates a sense of allure that renders the other person, the cat, unable to stop chasing. Because they’re unattainable, the desire to “catch” the other person builds until it becomes all-consuming. The mouse is perpetually running away from the cat, the cat can never come close enough to sink its claws into the mouse, and self-worth becomes irretrievably tied to this push and pull. 

Having a crush can be fun if done right, but chasing after someone long-term can significantly damage one’s self-esteem. All of a sudden this unrequited crush is tied to one’s measure of self-worth. There is a very thin line between pursuing someone for the fun of it and making your happiness and worth dependent on their reciprocation. When your self-esteem relies on the other’s attention, a lack thereof may result in feeling like you’re not enough. Maybe you’ve gotten all dressed up to post a selfie, only for them not to acknowledge it. Although you look great, some part of you may instantly lose confidence because they didn’t compliment you. Not getting the attention you craved so much can be detrimental emotionally.

Chasing after someone entails constantly seeking attention from them, which in turn becomes a source of validation. With it, you feel on top of the world. Without it, you may start to believe yourself unworthy of romantic interest and blame yourself. 

Additionally, the chase and pull can become blinding to the relationship or “situationship” itself. Chasing after someone becomes a source of adrenaline and anticipation – a sense of excitement easily confused for genuine interest in the other person. The rush of pursuit and challenge of capturing someone hard to get become the focus of the love game rather than the person themselves. The idealized person then becomes increasingly desirable the longer the chase goes on. 

Playing cat and mouse can present itself in a multitude of ways: waiting a certain amount of time to text back, pretending to be too busy to show them attention, or appearing to be less interested. All of this is to increase one’s perceived attractiveness and allure while also saving face. By taunting the cat with their attention, the mouse creates a cycle of chase, near-capture, and escape that will prevail – boosting one ego while damaging the other. 

Technology has made it easier than ever to play hard to get due to the multitude of platforms we all have to connect. Someone not replying to your text but being active online can very quickly become a mind game. Suddenly, social media has become a battleground in which all moves are calculated in order to receive validation from the other person. 

Chasing after someone inevitably ties your worth to the person of pursuit, creating a power imbalance between both of you. The mouse is in demand, and the cat must capture the mouse in order to prove to their capability. The game of love thus turns into a challenge to obtain the unobtainable with your heart and self-esteem on the line. 

Dating is a gamble: the outcome is unknown and playing the game is too exciting to stop. Although risk and reward will always be the two variables of pursuit, that doesn’t mean chasing after someone long-term has to be your fate. The cycle can end only once both people communicate openly and honestly and try to find a more balanced equilibrium in which one person doesn’t have power over the other. If your mouse runs away again, don’t chase after it. And if you’re the mouse, think about why you keep running.