photograph: pinterest

I don’t think I’m supposed to be in a relationship for a while. 

For whatever reason, I always felt like it was going to be a long time into my life until I experienced some kind of “great love”. I mean, I’ve always wanted it but it’s just never felt like the right time.

In middle school and high school, I thought that relationships were foolish, childish, and ultimately pointless. It felt like playing grown-up to me, an unrealistic fantasy of what the future could be (no offense K-12 sweethearts). Plus I couldn’t imagine dealing with school, my mental health, and my family and friendship drama along with a relationship at any of those times. 

I feel like the universe keeps sending me messages to remind me it’s not my time right now, and that I need to prioritize myself, my mental health, my education, and my career before a long-term partner. I hate that I feel like I’m waiting with bated breath to have everything else in my life checked off so one day I’ll be ready for the perfect partner. Life doesn’t work that way; you can’t plan out how you meet the love of your life it just happens sometimes at the right time and sometimes at the unexpected time, but it’s never really the wrong time when it’s real.  

The thing is, besides Mr. Long Game no one makes me have that giddy feeling when you just start to know enough about a person to have feelings for them and care for them, and desperately want to learn every inch of their brain. I have never felt so genuinely excited about someone before and he is a potential option for future me, but I’m truly just so bored by everyone else. 

Dating apps have ruined the age of romance I swear to god (I say in vain). To be candid, I used to champion them for a time. When I wanted no-strings sex they were my go-to, but it’s not enough anymore. I’ve deleted the apps a couple of times now, the need for the dopamine hit is strong but it’s just become tiresome, and the dopamine packs less of a punch now. The hunger for intimacy has stretched beyond the physical and has reached the emotional threshold, but for some reason, I must be out of my mind to think people my age have the ability to have sex and emotional intimacy without someone wanting a relationship. 

I wish the era of taking a lover hadn’t died. I just want fun and an actual connection without the pressures of a relationship. Why does no one ever focus on the friends part of friends with benefits? I just want a homie who I kiss, flirt with, and who gives me consistent orgasms, am I really reaching for the stars here? I want unbridled passion that doesn’t make me question “What are we?” because we both know it’s just temporary fun. It feels like everyone around me that I would consider filling said position has the intellectual and emotional depth of a potato. 

Being in your twenties is a bitch. Your whole life is in front of you yet you feel like you need to get it all figured out and squared away instantly. It’s one of the most transitional periods of your life, so why not accompany it with transitionary partners?

Sometimes Always love,

Brooke