Photograph: Pinterest

Dear Reader, 

I want to join a convent. 

Not for religious reasons. I’m an atheist—one who grew up in the church; if you grew up in the church, you know that makes me more atheist than someone who didn’t. Even as a child, I couldn’t make myself believe but not for lack of trying. I wanted that community that devout Catholics have; they are eternally linked through their, what I see as, delusions. 

I’d assume this community is strongest in a convent. Just me and a bunch of my sisters of God, hanging out, doing some work for the community, praying. Some of us would sneak in non-religious literature and have meetings. Maybe we would even discuss how we didn’t believe in God and were just there for the friends, kinda how I imagine a sorority to be. 

When I was abroad I visited an old convent. I signed up for the tour because I thought it was still active, but it was enlightening all the same. It was converted into a museum and the tour included tedious descriptions of too many crucifixion pieces to count. Despite my love for biblical history, all I could think about was the women who walked these halls before me. I wondered if they were friends, what they talked about, if they ever did any weird sex stuff… 

What made me remember these nuns from Prague was a question my teacher asked the other day: Would we ever die for anything?

No. 

Why? 

Well, I don’t know… I don’t care about anything as much as my own life, is that wrong? 

No.

That was how the conversation between us went. What he was getting at, I don’t know; it’s a philosophy class and a lot of it goes over my head, but he did get me thinking about these nuns so it wasn’t all in vain. For the rest of the class, as my peers went around and shared the things they would die for, I racked my brain for something I was, even remotely, passionate about. Nothing came to mind. Then I thought about all the things I’ve tried to be passionate about. Politics, the environment, activism, reading, photography, philosophy, the ocean, language. I’ve spent years forcing myself to care about everything under the sun, and now, I’ve realized I can’t force dedication. The king that makes you want to die for something. 

I could cop out and say that I’m passionate about the search, the journey. That’s also not true because I’ve never worked that hard to find a passion. I get bored after one article and opt for mindless crafts, playing on my phone, or sleeping. I would most definitely never die in pursuit of a passion. 

So maybe I couldn’t join a convent. I’d stay for 1-3 days then find a way to escape because I realized how boring it was. 

Love,

Sister Isabella