This semester I set out to fall in love with new places, to fill the romantic void I so constantly crave with different sights, people, and languages. Now I’ve left my twin XL loft and am writing from a queen-sized bed in New Jersey, attempting to try to find something to love here. I no longer have crazy weekend adventures to look forward to or a pair of alpacas in the field outside my window, so what is supposed to, not only, fill this romantic void I have, but now this INSANE boredom? 

For the past week, I’ve been alone. None of my friends are home from school and I’m searching all the corners of my mind for an activity to do. I went to Walgreens, Walmart, the beach, my favorite bookstore, took a bath, then a long shower, cleaned my room, decorated my walls, laid under my weighted blanket, doom-scrolled, read my new book, wrote melodramatic journal entries– all in one day.

What am I meant to do the rest of the break?

I downloaded the Jeopardy app but that only kept me occupied for a few minutes (because I lost all my money). I was so accustomed to having at least two people to do something with me at all times when I was in the castle. You’d think living with such a small group of people would get boring, but really, it just forced everyone to hang out with me all the time. Now…now I'm just driving around aimlessly and spending money on nothing to keep me busy.  

I thought I could return home and continue to find excitement in every little thing I do. Before leaving, I enjoyed things like laying in my bed and talking to myself or walking around aimlessly, but now that I’ve done those exact things in many different beds and many different cities, it feels strange trying to force myself to be as excited about my hometown. 

It’s not that I’m not ecstatic to be home, it’s just that home is so boring. I love being here, yet I yearn to have something new to keep me busy every few hours. As you’ve read, it’s not for my lack of trying, for some reason nothing I do keeps me occupied. I feel slightly guilty for being so antsy and unsatisfied; my parents are so happy that I’m home and after hanging out with them for 20 minutes I’m bored shitless. 

I’m sure in a week or so I’ll get used to being back, and seeing the same things, and going to the same stores, eating the same food. All these “sames” that used to make me so happy. I’ll get back into the groove, and make games out of spotting people I went to high school with in my local Target. Ya know, the things that remind you you’ve left and get to come back as you please, but left in a fun way not an emo leaving your childhood behind way. I guess I just need to play some games and wait for my friends to come back and play some games with me. Then we’ll leave again, and come back later to play some more games together.

Love,

Isabella

Photograph: Pinterest