photograph: pinterest

Dear Reader, 

What do you call a crush once you’re no longer a teenager? It’s embarrassing to admit I have a crush on someone. I have a Snapchat streak with her, when she DMs me on Instagram I have a heart attack, and I look for an excuse to text her every second of the day. 

It’s humiliating. 

I’ve never seen an adult be giddy over something as trivial as an Instagram-like or a Snapchat showing me how the weather is where she is. I see giddiness at coffee dates, dinner outings, meaningful conversations… things worthy of feet-kicking love. 

However, I kick my feet over the slightest actions and never imagine a world where she knows how I feel. I fear I’m too old for this, but I don’t want to let it go. I know that I could either admit my feelings or move on; however, I also know that having a humiliating crush is a lot of fun. 

I am simultaneously disgusted with myself and having the time of my life when I make up unrealistic scenarios of us together in my head before I fall asleep. After I send her one too many Instagram reels of fat animals, my cringe is quickly followed by a smile. And when I wake up to a text from her with a song she thought I’d like (I usually don’t), I am confident that my day will be a great one. 

When I have a crush, it’s intense. They are few and far between and last too long to be proud of. When I have a crush, I am loyal to them as if we are already dating. My thoughts are dominated by their image and no one else could possibly compare. When I try to articulate this to my closest friends it comes out in near squeals and jumbled retellings of something she texted me a week prior. 

They tell me that, at this point, it’s obvious there is something there, that I wouldn’t be risking a lot by telling the truth. When they have feelings like mine, they act on them—insanity. 

I fear that if I go for it and tell her my feelings, not only do I risk being rejected, but I risk losing the subject of almost every thought I’ve had for months. I risk being mature, accepting that she doesn’t feel the same, and forgetting about it as if nothing ever happened. I’d be left counting the days until a new crush pops up. 

No matter how embarrassing they may be, life feels a little flat without a crush; like it’s missing a pinch of something. No matter how long a crush lasts or how intense it is, it’s always fun regardless. They’re never serious, there’s never any real stakes, and they give you something exciting to talk about. Without a crush, nothing has any exciting subliminal messages. A text is a text, an Instagram like is just common courtesy, and sending someone a song is a nice gift from a friend with taste. 

I don’t know what year you age out of crushes, but I hope that whatever comes next is just as fun and delusional as the last. Without that insanity, I think I will get very bored very fast. 

Love, 

Isabella