Dear Reader,

This winter break, I got really into knitting…like really into it. I knit for hours pretty much every day since I got home and haven’t really looked back since. The thing about this obsessive knitting is that I only know how to make one thing: a beanie. So, naturally, once I finished one beanie I finished another, and when that was finished I made another, and another, and another, and I’m still going. In fact, I just started a new one and am taking a break by writing to you. 

I made one for everyone I know and have started just giving them out to people who didn’t even ask. Of course, I made one for my unrequited crush who has yet to text me back, but when she does come around her head is going to be super warm. My Pinterest is littered with pictures of different kinds of beanies: some with stripes, some chunky, some floppy, some mohair, some cotton. The list goes on; I’m very ambitious. 

At this point, I can make a beanie every one or two days. Time flies when I’m making them; I put an audiobook in my headphones and just go to town. At first, I thought spending hours knitting in my bed was better than spending hours watching TV and scrolling on my phone in my bed. I told myself I was doing something productive. 

Something productive! I made 12 hats and all of a sudden winter break is over. I had things to do, a LinkedIn account to create. I was supposed to apply for jobs for the spring semester, make a resume, apply to summer internships, other things like that. Instead…I crafted. 

I did the same thing when I was a senior in high school and college admissions began. All of my peers got tutors for the SATs, wrote their personal essays months in advance, and hired admissions advisors. I forgot my calculator when I took my SAT and started my essay and all my admissions a week before they were due. I knew it wasn’t an issue of pure procrastination, which I do suffer from, but rather, me pretending that nothing was going to change. I wasn’t able to talk or think about college without getting stressed and moody. All my friends and family knew it was a touchy subject and fell victim to my snapping at them when they asked where I was applying or what schools I’d visited( the answer was none, I went in totally blind). 

Obviously, everything worked out on the college front. If it didn’t, I wouldn’t be writing to you all right now. However, it seems, I haven’t learned much. I’m entering a new phase of my life, the professional one, and my body and mind are doing everything they can to reject this change. I sit in bed and make hats for the people I love to hide the fact that I’m ignoring the important tasks I NEED to complete. 

I feel like I’m watching myself fall behind from a bird’s eye view. I don’t want to become accustomed to the same habits as my high school self, but I fear it may be too late. I am aware that I am sabotaging my chances at things I want to achieve and causing myself much more grief in the long run, but I can’t help it. In high school, I wasn’t aware of my self-sabotaging tendencies, but now I am and still don’t change them. I give my friends amazing advice that I don’t implement in my own life and am screaming at myself because I know that I know better. It feels impossible to balance the workaholic and the “you DESERVE a break, girl” voices in my head. It felt impossible at 17, but I got over it, so deep down I’m sure I’ll chug along and be okay. What worries me is knowing that I have dozens more big changes to come and my reactions to those aren’t looking too good at this rate.

I’ll leave the rest of my overthinking for next Tuesday:)

Love, 

Isabella 

Photograph: Pinterest