I’ve had my fun on dating apps. It's ironic to use the word "fun" to describe my past experience, mainly because it's actually quite the opposite of how I would describe using dating apps... but, we'll get into that. I’m tentative to use the word “fun” because it’s actually the complete opposite of how I would describe using dating apps, so I put it in italics. I've probably deleted Tinder over 15 times, and each time I convince myself that I’ve finally escaped its grasp and ascended above its intended use—and every time I am proven incorrect. I always come crawling back whenever I start comparing my life to that of my peers. 

Just because I spend most of my time content with my life led by loneliness, I do find myself slipping sometimes. When I listen to my closest friends talk about their latest romantic endeavors, I give my input and smile as if it doesn’t make me the least bit insecure. When I’m scrolling through TikTok and take the time to tell the algorithm I’m not interested in videos of happy couples for the hundredth time. These are the times that I have to make a conscious effort to remember all I’ve learned throughout the years about relationships and why I am better off without the meaningless ones I’d find online. 

Alas, I am weak. 

I re-download the app, once letting it get so bad I even spent a short spurt on Hinge (yikes), and am once again disappointed by the interactions that unfold in my shameful inbox. Everyone is so creative, so flirty… but after the initial excitement wears off, everyone is SO over it. 

It gets tiring trying to come up with witty material for so many different people, knowing that half of them won’t even get it. I’ve been told I don’t know how to play the game—okay, I know that… I don’t need an outside source to remind me. I try really hard to play “by the book,” yet everything I say seems to send me right back to square one. Everyone likes to tell me that I’ll never be successful using these techniques, but no one has been so kind to show me what exactly I should be doing instead.

Is this something that’s supposed to be an innate human ability? Some evolutionary trait I missed out on?  I download these apps, not looking for love, just someone else other than myself. Yet, I come out feeling more lonely than I had before. Knowing that among thousands of randos, specifically looking to hook up with anything that breathes, STILL no one wants me. 
It’s a great way to knock, not only my ego, but also any hope I once had for finding less than love…yet, I still immerse myself within this culture. I use the word "immerse" lightly because it's less of WHAT I do and more of what I TRY to do. I am putting the word “immerse” into italics because it’s less what I do and more what I try to do. I wish I could fully immerse myself within hookup culture for at least one night, feel like a normal young adult for 12 hours, and regret it the morning after. I feel like I’m missing out on the experience of a bad hookup—or any hookup, for that matter—and hate that my lack of experience is so fundamental to who I am, making it impossible for me to remedy it. 
Eventually, I know I’ll HAVE to accept the honor of a horrible one-night stand, but at this moment, that point in my life feels like it will occur in the distant future. I’ll probably re-download Tinder 100 times between now and then, getting more hopeless with each visit to the app store. I’ll try to keep my head up, though, and maybe my dream of just absorbing a relationship will come true… it’ll be the future, after all. 

Love,

Isabella

Photograph: Pinterest