After getting into Emerson, I researched student organizations and made a list of which ones I wanted to join. This might come as a surprise, as one might imagine a senior in high school was too busy to do this but the truth is, I was ready to turn the page on this chapter of my life. I couldn’t wait to reinvent myself by channeling my interests through different organizations. 

At the organization (org) fair, I wrote down my contact information on almost every table: magazines, social orgs, theater orgs, and everything else on the roster. My inbox was flooded with follow-up emails and sign-up forms the following week. During one afternoon I set aside time to fill out applications. I realized they all required something I didn’t have: experience.

Magazines asked me for previous experience working as a photographer, writer, or model. Did my personal pictures count as photographer work? My IB English Literature essays as writing experience? What about when my friend and I took pictures after we did our makeup? Was that modeling? The theater companies asked me for specific experience when in reality, I had only participated in my school’s musical theater club twice. How was I supposed to join when my experience wasn’t professional? As I began to close the tabs of sign-up forms which were becoming more overwhelming by the second, I realized that I only really stood a chance with two of the orgs I had looked into. 

Then I thought maybe I would stand a chance by applying for an on-campus job. My roommate got her first job on campus around our second month of college, so this might be less intimidating. Little did I know, I would get rejected from ten different positions. 

As the semester went on, I felt mocked by my missed college experiences as I saw my classmates working on-campus jobs. Every time I walked into an office at college, a person in my class would be working there, a smile on their face, ready to help out anyone who walked through the door. “Hey, Dana! Great to see you here!” Honestly, I can’t say the same. 

When magazines came out, every new page I flipped onto I came across a familiar face or name. People in my class got featured as writers, models, and photographers: everything that I was too scared to apply for. I felt like a failure. Everyone around me was on a ship that had sailed a long time ago. Meanwhile, I was still standing at the shoreline. 

During summer break, I kept asking myself why this happened. I talked about it with my friends and family, and I came to the conclusion that it may be because some of the people around me knew students at Emerson before arriving, giving them a certain advantage. Many people say that it’s easy to find at least one person in your hometown who’s going or went to the same college as you. Unfortunately, I formed part of the 16% of students whose hometown was 8,000 kilometers away. 

For the longest time, I ended up blaming the fact that I was an international student for not being successful in my freshman year. I was an outsider to many things I didn’t know I would be. For example, whenever a professor on the first week of school would ask us where we’re from, they would start talking about football or baseball teams that the respective student’s state is famous for. Then when it was my turn and I said, “I’m from Santiago, Chile” they’d just look at me with wide eyes and say, “Oh! That’s so cool!” Santiago doesn’t have a football or baseball team, so what could professors possibly say for small talk then? 

Not only did I have to get used to college, but I also had to adapt to hearing a different language than the one I’d heard the last eighteen years of my life. I had to adapt to a radically different social culture, and to be asked where my accent, which I thought was nonexistent until I moved to the United States, was from before I was able to finish my first sentence when talking to anybody new. 

I didn’t have the mental capacity to get used to my new life in this new country while simultaneously doing everything I set myself out to achieve as a freshman in college. It simply wasn’t realistic. I thought this was true until a couple of days ago, when I realized I couldn’t put the blame on the fact that I was an international student and others had an advantage over me, but rather, I had to blame it on nothing. 

The feelings I had of my experience being mediocre and not good enough to accomplish my goals at college were caused by my wrongful understanding that I was less valuable because I was an outsider, when in reality, this made me stand out. Living in a new country meant I brought unique experiences and ideas to the table. When I came to terms with this, I realized I was the only thing in my way this whole time, not the so-called people who were more successful than me.

The truth is, no one around you is close to having their shit together. It’s all a facade that everyone around you, including yourself, adapts to in order to feel some peace in themselves. Even when I thought everyone around me was confident and knew what they were doing while I was completely lost, it was just what it looked like on the outside.

I’m still not sure what college is about, but for now, I think it’s about discovering yourself at your own pace. Eventually, I was able to complete many of the goals I proposed for myself as a freshman in sophomore year, proving to myself that good things take time. Worrying about other people’s pace will stress you out and will distract you from your goals. It’s always important to move at your own pace and never let others make you believe that your technique doesn’t work. As long as it works for you, that’s all that matters.